Put on Your Blue Suede Shoes

Don't we all need feel good days? You know the days I'm talking about... right? Although it was definitely too chilly outside and to chaotic a schedule to truly be a feel good day - today really felt like one. Okay, for those of you who are lost - let me explain.

Feel Good Day - n., A day such that one's heart and emotional existence can coordirnate with physical peace and harmony.

Right... so let's try that again...

Feel Good Day - A day where the sun shines early and the birds are chirping. You get enough sleep to wake up during the sunrise and not feel tired. The sunrise is then observed while walking through dewey grass, barefoot, and listening to everything that is peaceful and natural. A strong rhythm beats in your veins and you feel on top of the world... at least that's what it is for me. There is no more (important) internal conflict and, quite frankly, no one else's opinion really matters.

Today was definitely a Feel Good Day - far from perfect, and far from what the ideal Feel Good Day should be but somehow I could care less about everything going around me. For today, it was just me and God and the song of my soul - which is ironically similiar to Walking in Memphis.

I, like many others, cannot wait for summer. There is something about summer that I have always claimed to detest but really do quite adore. Summer is a season of brutal honesty. In spring, there exists the facade of innocence and rebirth. After summer, autumn comes with it's "aging" wisdom and calm serenity that hint toward the end. And then winter is filled with death and deception. It waits -giving false hope that maybe autumn won't have to end and then fades slowly with small, teasing glimpses of spring.

But summer, summer is the exposure - the honesty - that is lacking for me. In summer, I don't have to smile anymore. I don't have to stress to make other's happy with my grades and my attitudes. In summer, I don't have to waste my days with mindless drone work that may at some point contribute to a higher paying job but definitely does not contribute to a satisfied soul.

Summer brings heat and fire and irritation but it is when you get to see the true colors. It is where you see dedication on the blacktop "marching field" ten hours a day; where you see runners not so gracefully pushing themselves over the hills until they collapse from exhaustion. It is also a place to relax and just be yourself - the pretensions and the facades of high school social classes stop.

The rolling Kentucky hills, covered in soft, meshy grass are made into a beautiful canvas full of paths to be ventured. And on the days romaning these hills, it's where the power of today's materialistic, man-made, man-controlled, man-destroyed society ceases it's grip on me. Out there it is only me and God. Out there... out there I can be me without being judged or ranked.

Any maybe I am disillusioned with life - maybe is summer is just another scientific cycle which just happens to fit in perfectly with a great metaphor. But I don't think so... God is too deliberate to have let something that intricate happen by chance. The most important thing is that we find and appreciate our "feel good" days for what they are... a chance to be free. A chance to sing to your heart's content, dance until your knees give way, talk until your own voice makes you sick, and listen until you start to think that you have possibly lost your own voice.

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into the trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves." - John Muir (American naturalist and writer)

Finding Forrest

On Sunday, our high school service started a series based on a book by Leonard Sweet, Dean of the School of Theology at Drew University. the book is entitled 11 Indispensable Relationships You Can't Be Without. The book discusses 11 relationships that we need to be stable in our lives. All of the relationships have modern and Biblical examples for us to connect to.


This first week, the relationship we studied was that of a true friend. Now, keep in mind, a true friend does not necessarily have to be a best friend. In 1 Samuel 18 all the way through 2 Samuel 1 we learn of the true friendship between David and Jonathan. Jonathan and David become friends, even though, Jonathan's father (Saul) and David are enemies. However, their friendship goes even deeper than that. When Jonathan is sent to kill David by his father, Jonathan instead tells David to be on guard. When Saul sends more soldiers after David, instead of fleeing altogether, David runs to Jonathan to ask for advice and Jonathan helps David escape. For Jonathan to resist his father's orders and aide the man who was pronounced to become king (even though through lineage Jonathan should have been heir), is huge. 1 Samuel 18:1-3 (NIV) states "After David had finished talking with Sual, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." Then, in 1 Samuel 20:42 we witness again the strength of their friendship. "Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'' " Jonathan and David were closer than brothers who would do anything for each other. Such great friends in fact, that even their descendants would share that bond.




The other, contemporary example that the book gives is Forrest Gump. The reason he is the modern is example is because of his life long dedication to the people he loves most - whether it is his Mama, Jenny, Bubba, or Lieutenant Dan. One thing that Forrest always asks his friends is "What can I do for you?" Although you may never here him say, it is apparent through all of his actions, that this is how he approaches most, if not all, of the situations he faces.



A true friend is loyal. A true friend will be honest with you when everyone else pretends that life is okay. A true friend shows dedication, selflessness, and a bond that is closer than a brother or sister. I know that I have three true friends -three people than I can go to for just about anything and I know that they will listen. Not only will they listen, but they will help me find a solution - whether that means coping with other people or readjusting my attitude. So my question to you this week is this: Who are your true friends? Who can you go to when the world no longer cares and life doesn't seem worth it anymore?



And don't forget that it is good to have a balance. For girls, it is good to have guys that cut through the crap but you also need a girl that is more than a sister to you for those times when guys just don't understand. And the same thing goes for guys, too. True friends don't come along often so hold onto them tight. And never forget that these relationships aren't one-sided.



To whom are you a Forrest, or a Jonathan? Especially in our society, it is easy to forgot that the world does not revolve around our problems and our stress. Be willing to put everything aside and just listen - sometimes it can be more relaxing than you think.



Tune in next week to find out what the book says next! Of course, any of you are more than welcome to actually join me for church on Sunday - just leave a comment!!!

Playlist: I Will Be - Leona Lewis, Let's Get Together - The Youngbloods, You've Got a Friend In Me - Toy Story Soundtrack, I'll Be There for You - The Rembrandts, Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

Addictions

The roads are busy enough to provide distraction, snowy enough to prove dangerous, and just dark enough that I can hide behind the wheel and avoid the stares of other drivers. You see, driving the highways and the backroads, alone, with the music up, that's where I can think. Sitting right there, weaving through traffic, rounding the curves of Kentucky roads - that's where I talk to God and often where God talks to me.

On Sunday, a sort of epiphany came to me on the way home after church. I am sure I was beating myself over something foolish when I promised myself that it was going to change - it was. Just then, God waved His hand in front of my face. It hit me how many times I have made this promise in the past few years.

Making promises is an addiction for me - and an awful one at that. Many times I promise things, lightheartedly, and never follow through. I know this is a bad thing but I can't seem to stop because the other addiction of mine which runs hand-in-hand is my addiction to try to please everyone. Both are very annoying, very irrational, and very impossible addictions to deal with.

I have, for now however, decided that trying to fix these silly addictions is pointless and will end in nothing but frustration. Usually when I promise myself that I am going to stop doing something, I repeatedly beat myself up - over and over and over again. As I can clearly see, though, this strategy has clearly not been helping. And thus, from this day forward I will stop focusing on my flaws and silly addictions and simply be content with the life around me.

*Sigh* Another promise... Yes, I know. The point is though, that we all have our faults, we all succumb to the ideals that we think society creates, and we all have addictions. If you think I am wrong, please feel free to tell me. I most certainly do not object to looking at things from a new perspective. But I feel that if we all truly examine ourselves, our behaviors, our patterns - we will see something in us that doesn't change. For most of us, these are things we wish would go away. Unfortunatelyyyyyyyy - they won't.

But, unless I miss my guess, that is the point. We are all created with something that is a blessing in disguise. It is our choice to view it as a gift or curse and to use it to our advantage or our misery. Christ knows we are flawed and we always will be. But embracing who we are, success and failure, beauty and flaw - and being content knowing we are who we are for a reason - that is what makes us God's children.

Tonight, I am afraid that I don't have a playlist for you. I want you to find your own music, your own dreams, and your own realities. Don't let music be a cover tonight - let it be a window and let yourself look outside.

What It Means to Give Up, Not Give In

She sits in the window

Picturesque,

Sipping her tea,

Staring out

At the partners, managers, and C.E.O.s

Hustling past.

(For is there any other way
To describe the motion
Of people who no longer see life as a gift?
That is why it's called The Present)

Yesterday was termination,

Today is spent in isolation,

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow,

Is determination.

She sells her soul

Each night

To ABC, CBS, and USA.

But as she sits in said cafe,

Sipping life and tears away,

She realizes what it means to give in -

To society, mainstream media, and the covers of magazines.

On the corner of 1st and Carlton Street,

She passes grace

Hidden by graffiti of tortured teens.

She takes three more steps

And turns around

To hear the sound of angels' cry,

A cry for Christ to come and die.

The planner reads 'Wednesday'

As she retracts her steps,

Peers in the window of an old warehouse,

Only to see another chance at life.

Click

Click Click
(Hi...
I'm...)

"Lonely?"
"Broken?"
"Broke?"
"Afraid?"

She nods four times
And takes her seat.

The gold embossed words
Strike her

From the cover of a worn, leather book.

She stares into their eyes,

Their past's.

And finally, she is ready to give up -

And never again give in.

-Picturesque

The inspiration for this came to me today when I found myself ready to give in to life's troubles. And right when I wanted to cry and scream and yell at the world, I looked up at the sky. There, right above the road in front of me was this gorceous cloud. A whispy one, not the kind that make the best picture. But it was in the shape of a horse running, across the plains. But what took my breath away was the rainbow on it's mane. And when I checked the sky, I couldn't find a rainbow in any other place. Such perfect things aren't meant to be captured on camera. There is freedom in giving up - whether it is to nature, to God, to your dreams. Just remember, the only feeling you ever get from giving in is regret and resentment. "I started with the firm conviction that when I came to the end, I wanted to be regretting the things I had done, not the things I hadn't." - Michael Caine

Photo Album:

Playlist: Gotta be Somebody - Nickelback, 1985 - Bowling for Soup, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, If You Could Only See - Tonic, To Know Your Name - Hillsong United, Lead Me to The Cross - Hillsong United, The RiddleI - Five for Fighting, Moments - Emerson Drive

The Ways We Love

My apologies,readers (if there are any of you). It has been quite sometime since my last post but senior year came bombarding in and that was the end of my freedom.


At this point, senior year is becoming a blur. All I do is go through the motions and question my sanity a little each day but mostly, it's like the entire world is on fast forward. Mostly, I drift. In and out of sleep, day dreams, mindless homework completing, and a constant subconscious ponderance of where I belong in this crazy, messed up world.


But you know, that's what makes life so beautiful - the dysfunction of it all. In some strange way, it's like looking through a broken kaleidoscope. We are never sure, even when the kaleidoscope's working, what we are supposed to be experiencing. Then you toss in emotion, power, money, stress, confusion and everything becomes that more detailed - that more intricate. But it is so breathtaking. The complicated explanations, emotions, exultations - life's puzzles - are simply awe inspiring. It is when we embrace the chaos or solve the puzzle that we truly begin to live.


The only thing, in all of this mess, that makes life worth living, is love. Whether it is love of money, family, friends, God, music, people - whatever it is, something drives us. Everyday we live for something. Some of us live for the laughter of our friends, the chirp of a bird, the glimmer of the stars at night, or the smile of someone who has opened their eyes. It is so different for all of us. I have spent days feeling alone and lost and desperate...until I remember that I am only alone if I choose to be. We can't expect everybody to give love if we never give in turn.


To state it simply and leave no doubt - I love God. Period. I love that He was willing to die for me, even before I was born. Even before I lost the perfect innocence that children have, long before that, He knew that I would be born, would love and lose, and ultimately fail Him. But He still died. He knew it was coming and He could have run - but He didn't. He chose to stay so that the rest of us had the choice to know God. It wasn't even a guarantee that we would get to, or even make us want to, but that we might have the choice to know Him. Without my faith, I would not be here today, sitting at my computer, writing this lesson I have learned for no one in particular. I love Him, like He loves me - unconditionally.


We love whole-heartedly, selfishly, selflessly, endlessly, and immeasurably. We give our hearts to some people who either, cherish it, hope it goes away, or don't even realize that a gift has been laid at their feet. Now, this is not to dissuade anyone from loving or falling in love. Love is amazing, it's comfy, it's comforting, it's heart-warming. It is the goofy grin that you wear when life couldn't be any better but it is also the frown that you wear when you think the pain can't get any worse. In the words of Morrie Schwartz, "Love always wins." We show love in tears, laughter, small smiles made at turned backs or closed doors, dancing when nobody is watching, singing while strolling down the sidewalk. We show love in listening, in holding a hand, in catching tears, passing a Kleenex, holding a shoulder, or giving a giant bear hug. Love has so many faces - faces that have been lost in the crowds of city streets of today's buy-up, sell-out philosophy.


I am still not entirely sure that I know where I belong in this world - but I do know what my job is. My job is to live every day more self-lessly than the last. It is to be the love for others that Christ is for me. It is to clap and cry, laugh and love, hurt and heal with those around me. The biggest desire for most people is to leave a legacy in this world - to leave a mark of remembrance so that when we are gone we are not forgotten. I challenge you today to let love be your legacy.

Let love be your guiding light. Let it shine inside you and lead others. Let it save you when you are hurt and humble you when you are proud. Let love be your stronghold and your kryptonite. But most of all - let love be your hope.

Playlist: I Celebrate the Day - Relient K, Love Song - Sky, Everything You Want - Vertical Herizon, The Time Has Come - Hillsong United, The Riddle - Five for Fighting, Forever - Chris Brown, Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion, All I Want To Do - Sugarland, Bent - Matchbox 20, The Right Kind of Wrong -LeAnne Rimes, Somewhere Only We Know - Keane, Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight, Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, I'll Be - Edwin McCain

To Whom It May Concern: Summer's Here!!!

That's right, my loyal readers (if there are any of you left), summer is indeed officially in the big KY. Alas, it has been another long month in which I have little time to update and I do apologize profusely for that. Since I left you last chaos has ensued in the forms of finals, projects, ending junior year, work, prom, and two weeks in Japan!

Kyle, Bas, Rene, Erin, and Amanda at Basil's Goodbye Party

Rene and I

Natalie, Josh, Mandy, and Kristin at Junior Prom =)

Amanda, Rene, and I last day of junior year

Sarah and Basil - last day of junior year

Josh, LeAnna, and I in front of Hard Rock Tokyo

Kira, Megumi, Mayumi, Ayaka's friend, Me, and Ayaka (our host sister) after our party

Crazy, right?

I am finally readjusting to Kentucky time, in the hopes of no longer being nocturnal, haha. But one thing is for sure: said trip to the other side of the world - it changed my life. It is almost impossible for me to even begin describing how *contemplates word choice*... relieving it felt to be somewhere other than:
Crazy Suburbia,
Hick State, USA

Never in my life have I spent two more amazing weeks making new friends, enjoying myself, loving me for me, and being surrounded by people who truly, whole heartedly believe that peace is not lost in this chaotic world. For those two weeks I felt more centered and balanced than I ever knew was possible. Until I travel again, I am not sure that I will know truly what happened to me over there but one of two things did for sure: I fell in love with that country or I fell in love with seeing the world.

To each and every one of you out there who thinks I have lost my mind, please pay attention: There is more to life than this little box surrounding us; more than our rooms full of our memories, more than our houses, than our communities filled with self-indulgent priorities, our country which is way too in love with itself. Don't get me wrong - somethings are truly and wholeheartedly American that I would never care to lose (like the feeling of going to a baseball game in the middle of summer and having the drunk guy in front of you fall on his face cheering for his team or walking down a city street knowing that with enough dedication to your work an entire country could know your name). But something hits you square in the face when you first set foot in another country - one where you don't see tourists every day and one where the people refuse to give up fighting for things the rest of the world has already deemed a lost cause - there is something that hits about their generosity, open hearts, and smiling faces that makes you feel like you have finally found where you belong. Which is completely ironic in every sense considering you are on the opposite side of the world from everything you know. To tell you all the truth, I have never felt safer in my life, even walking my dog around my neighborhood, then I did walking down the streets of Tokyo with maybe three or four people that I had known all of three days. And driving throught the countryside, air not clouded with smog or pollution, getting off a plane and not having the smell of fast food an arteries clogging be the first thing to invade your senses - it's so beyond a beautiful feeling. I miss it already.

But summer is here, and there are parties to be planned, movies to be seen, laziness to be enjoyed, and colleges to look at *rolls eyes*. So I will leave you with a playlist for my time in Japan and will hopefully update sooner this time. Thanks for reading!

Playlist: Wonderful Journey - Anastasia Soundtrack, Slide - Goo Goo Dolls, A Whole New World - Aladdin Soundtrack, Dare You to Move - Switchfoot, Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows, Somewhere Only We Know - Keane, Broken Bridges - Lindsey Haun and Toby Keith, Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse, Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Live Like You Were Dyin' - Tim McGraw, Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig von Beethoven, Calling You - Blue October, Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down, My Immortal - Evanescence, 100 Years - Five for Fighting, The Gods Love Nubia - Heather Headly, Move Along -All-American Rejects, Ridiculous - Bowling For Soup, Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis, Touch My Body - Mariah Carey, Sexy Can I - Ray J featuring Yung Berg, Apologize - Timbaland featuring One Republic, Cotton Eyed Joe - Rednex, Photograph - Nickelback

Way Too Long

So, it has been officially WAY too long since I have updated my blog. Over a month! Yikes! Well I am here now =). The past month with a few exceptions, although far from the best month of my life, was a very telling one. I have spent most of my time (non computer time) talking to God - a lot. I have become more focused and centered on the right priorities more than I have been in a very long time.

SO what has happened this month... hmmm... Well the band banquet and speech lockin were both great fun. Although I have indeed decided that hide-and-seek (in complete darkness) is a game to indeed be played at one's own risk. Nonetheless, it is great fun (minus stinky silly string). I have also been cleared to drive again by my neurologist.

In all honesty though, I have spent most of the past month in prayer. I have begun to notice such simple things about life that I believe I have truly missed up to this point. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day at the Mardi Gras in May fundraiser having fun with my ffriends. There was no drama, no gossip, no anger or tension. It was one of the most beautiful days I can remember. I had forgotten what it was like to simply relax and enjoy the company of those around me and I now found that I indeed quite miss it. After most everyone had left I simply stood by one of the small trees and felt the breeze blow my skirt and lift my hair and felt the sun shining down in a truly gentle manner. I watched the grass roll in waves across the fields and I just remembered how truly beautiful life and simplicity are. I watched the children climb and run and felt the nostalgia flood back as I remembered the days where the biggest problems in life were getting light-up tennis shoes or making sure your favorite crayon never broke.

God created all these things and all these moments to hold and cherish and remember so that when hard times come, not all hope is lost. I can hardly explain to most of you the joy that I know having a personal relationship with God. I probably sound a bit like a Bible-thumper at the moment but trust me, that's not what I am going for. I find comfort in knowing that God loves me - not just because I am Christian, or because He sent His son to die for me but because - simply - I am who I am. I will make mistakes, trivial and colossal, I will lose my hope, light and all desire for existence at some points. But He still wants me. He wants to know me, love me and be accepted by me. He wants to be first in my life and I think that is finnaly where I have put Him. I am impatient, annoying, at times self-centered, and spoiled but all of that disappears when I am humbled by being in His presence.

Lately my heart has been going in an odd direction. I thought I had myself all figured out, but the more I pray, the more I learn about God's plan for me. My heart is being pulled and although i would like to resist where it is being led, I find I can't. This boy, he captivates my attention and makes me lose my thoughts. The timing is certainly not the best for this kind of thing, but if God wants it, then I suppose all will work out.

I certainly hope that this week all of you readers take the time to simply stop and enjoy the simple things in life. Smell a flower, wander through the woods, watch the clouds, or simply lie in a field. Nature can tell us so much more than one would think. Listen to Him, He wants to speak to you - don't be afraid to open up even for the first time.

Also: I love Billy Joel and a good song for the week is his version of The Longest Time