Addictions

The roads are busy enough to provide distraction, snowy enough to prove dangerous, and just dark enough that I can hide behind the wheel and avoid the stares of other drivers. You see, driving the highways and the backroads, alone, with the music up, that's where I can think. Sitting right there, weaving through traffic, rounding the curves of Kentucky roads - that's where I talk to God and often where God talks to me.

On Sunday, a sort of epiphany came to me on the way home after church. I am sure I was beating myself over something foolish when I promised myself that it was going to change - it was. Just then, God waved His hand in front of my face. It hit me how many times I have made this promise in the past few years.

Making promises is an addiction for me - and an awful one at that. Many times I promise things, lightheartedly, and never follow through. I know this is a bad thing but I can't seem to stop because the other addiction of mine which runs hand-in-hand is my addiction to try to please everyone. Both are very annoying, very irrational, and very impossible addictions to deal with.

I have, for now however, decided that trying to fix these silly addictions is pointless and will end in nothing but frustration. Usually when I promise myself that I am going to stop doing something, I repeatedly beat myself up - over and over and over again. As I can clearly see, though, this strategy has clearly not been helping. And thus, from this day forward I will stop focusing on my flaws and silly addictions and simply be content with the life around me.

*Sigh* Another promise... Yes, I know. The point is though, that we all have our faults, we all succumb to the ideals that we think society creates, and we all have addictions. If you think I am wrong, please feel free to tell me. I most certainly do not object to looking at things from a new perspective. But I feel that if we all truly examine ourselves, our behaviors, our patterns - we will see something in us that doesn't change. For most of us, these are things we wish would go away. Unfortunatelyyyyyyyy - they won't.

But, unless I miss my guess, that is the point. We are all created with something that is a blessing in disguise. It is our choice to view it as a gift or curse and to use it to our advantage or our misery. Christ knows we are flawed and we always will be. But embracing who we are, success and failure, beauty and flaw - and being content knowing we are who we are for a reason - that is what makes us God's children.

Tonight, I am afraid that I don't have a playlist for you. I want you to find your own music, your own dreams, and your own realities. Don't let music be a cover tonight - let it be a window and let yourself look outside.

What It Means to Give Up, Not Give In

She sits in the window

Picturesque,

Sipping her tea,

Staring out

At the partners, managers, and C.E.O.s

Hustling past.

(For is there any other way
To describe the motion
Of people who no longer see life as a gift?
That is why it's called The Present)

Yesterday was termination,

Today is spent in isolation,

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow,

Is determination.

She sells her soul

Each night

To ABC, CBS, and USA.

But as she sits in said cafe,

Sipping life and tears away,

She realizes what it means to give in -

To society, mainstream media, and the covers of magazines.

On the corner of 1st and Carlton Street,

She passes grace

Hidden by graffiti of tortured teens.

She takes three more steps

And turns around

To hear the sound of angels' cry,

A cry for Christ to come and die.

The planner reads 'Wednesday'

As she retracts her steps,

Peers in the window of an old warehouse,

Only to see another chance at life.

Click

Click Click
(Hi...
I'm...)

"Lonely?"
"Broken?"
"Broke?"
"Afraid?"

She nods four times
And takes her seat.

The gold embossed words
Strike her

From the cover of a worn, leather book.

She stares into their eyes,

Their past's.

And finally, she is ready to give up -

And never again give in.

-Picturesque

The inspiration for this came to me today when I found myself ready to give in to life's troubles. And right when I wanted to cry and scream and yell at the world, I looked up at the sky. There, right above the road in front of me was this gorceous cloud. A whispy one, not the kind that make the best picture. But it was in the shape of a horse running, across the plains. But what took my breath away was the rainbow on it's mane. And when I checked the sky, I couldn't find a rainbow in any other place. Such perfect things aren't meant to be captured on camera. There is freedom in giving up - whether it is to nature, to God, to your dreams. Just remember, the only feeling you ever get from giving in is regret and resentment. "I started with the firm conviction that when I came to the end, I wanted to be regretting the things I had done, not the things I hadn't." - Michael Caine

Photo Album:

Playlist: Gotta be Somebody - Nickelback, 1985 - Bowling for Soup, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, If You Could Only See - Tonic, To Know Your Name - Hillsong United, Lead Me to The Cross - Hillsong United, The RiddleI - Five for Fighting, Moments - Emerson Drive

The Ways We Love

My apologies,readers (if there are any of you). It has been quite sometime since my last post but senior year came bombarding in and that was the end of my freedom.


At this point, senior year is becoming a blur. All I do is go through the motions and question my sanity a little each day but mostly, it's like the entire world is on fast forward. Mostly, I drift. In and out of sleep, day dreams, mindless homework completing, and a constant subconscious ponderance of where I belong in this crazy, messed up world.


But you know, that's what makes life so beautiful - the dysfunction of it all. In some strange way, it's like looking through a broken kaleidoscope. We are never sure, even when the kaleidoscope's working, what we are supposed to be experiencing. Then you toss in emotion, power, money, stress, confusion and everything becomes that more detailed - that more intricate. But it is so breathtaking. The complicated explanations, emotions, exultations - life's puzzles - are simply awe inspiring. It is when we embrace the chaos or solve the puzzle that we truly begin to live.


The only thing, in all of this mess, that makes life worth living, is love. Whether it is love of money, family, friends, God, music, people - whatever it is, something drives us. Everyday we live for something. Some of us live for the laughter of our friends, the chirp of a bird, the glimmer of the stars at night, or the smile of someone who has opened their eyes. It is so different for all of us. I have spent days feeling alone and lost and desperate...until I remember that I am only alone if I choose to be. We can't expect everybody to give love if we never give in turn.


To state it simply and leave no doubt - I love God. Period. I love that He was willing to die for me, even before I was born. Even before I lost the perfect innocence that children have, long before that, He knew that I would be born, would love and lose, and ultimately fail Him. But He still died. He knew it was coming and He could have run - but He didn't. He chose to stay so that the rest of us had the choice to know God. It wasn't even a guarantee that we would get to, or even make us want to, but that we might have the choice to know Him. Without my faith, I would not be here today, sitting at my computer, writing this lesson I have learned for no one in particular. I love Him, like He loves me - unconditionally.


We love whole-heartedly, selfishly, selflessly, endlessly, and immeasurably. We give our hearts to some people who either, cherish it, hope it goes away, or don't even realize that a gift has been laid at their feet. Now, this is not to dissuade anyone from loving or falling in love. Love is amazing, it's comfy, it's comforting, it's heart-warming. It is the goofy grin that you wear when life couldn't be any better but it is also the frown that you wear when you think the pain can't get any worse. In the words of Morrie Schwartz, "Love always wins." We show love in tears, laughter, small smiles made at turned backs or closed doors, dancing when nobody is watching, singing while strolling down the sidewalk. We show love in listening, in holding a hand, in catching tears, passing a Kleenex, holding a shoulder, or giving a giant bear hug. Love has so many faces - faces that have been lost in the crowds of city streets of today's buy-up, sell-out philosophy.


I am still not entirely sure that I know where I belong in this world - but I do know what my job is. My job is to live every day more self-lessly than the last. It is to be the love for others that Christ is for me. It is to clap and cry, laugh and love, hurt and heal with those around me. The biggest desire for most people is to leave a legacy in this world - to leave a mark of remembrance so that when we are gone we are not forgotten. I challenge you today to let love be your legacy.

Let love be your guiding light. Let it shine inside you and lead others. Let it save you when you are hurt and humble you when you are proud. Let love be your stronghold and your kryptonite. But most of all - let love be your hope.

Playlist: I Celebrate the Day - Relient K, Love Song - Sky, Everything You Want - Vertical Herizon, The Time Has Come - Hillsong United, The Riddle - Five for Fighting, Forever - Chris Brown, Because You Loved Me - Celine Dion, All I Want To Do - Sugarland, Bent - Matchbox 20, The Right Kind of Wrong -LeAnne Rimes, Somewhere Only We Know - Keane, Pictures of You - The Last Goodnight, Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, I'll Be - Edwin McCain

To Whom It May Concern: Summer's Here!!!

That's right, my loyal readers (if there are any of you left), summer is indeed officially in the big KY. Alas, it has been another long month in which I have little time to update and I do apologize profusely for that. Since I left you last chaos has ensued in the forms of finals, projects, ending junior year, work, prom, and two weeks in Japan!

Kyle, Bas, Rene, Erin, and Amanda at Basil's Goodbye Party

Rene and I

Natalie, Josh, Mandy, and Kristin at Junior Prom =)

Amanda, Rene, and I last day of junior year

Sarah and Basil - last day of junior year

Josh, LeAnna, and I in front of Hard Rock Tokyo

Kira, Megumi, Mayumi, Ayaka's friend, Me, and Ayaka (our host sister) after our party

Crazy, right?

I am finally readjusting to Kentucky time, in the hopes of no longer being nocturnal, haha. But one thing is for sure: said trip to the other side of the world - it changed my life. It is almost impossible for me to even begin describing how *contemplates word choice*... relieving it felt to be somewhere other than:
Crazy Suburbia,
Hick State, USA

Never in my life have I spent two more amazing weeks making new friends, enjoying myself, loving me for me, and being surrounded by people who truly, whole heartedly believe that peace is not lost in this chaotic world. For those two weeks I felt more centered and balanced than I ever knew was possible. Until I travel again, I am not sure that I will know truly what happened to me over there but one of two things did for sure: I fell in love with that country or I fell in love with seeing the world.

To each and every one of you out there who thinks I have lost my mind, please pay attention: There is more to life than this little box surrounding us; more than our rooms full of our memories, more than our houses, than our communities filled with self-indulgent priorities, our country which is way too in love with itself. Don't get me wrong - somethings are truly and wholeheartedly American that I would never care to lose (like the feeling of going to a baseball game in the middle of summer and having the drunk guy in front of you fall on his face cheering for his team or walking down a city street knowing that with enough dedication to your work an entire country could know your name). But something hits you square in the face when you first set foot in another country - one where you don't see tourists every day and one where the people refuse to give up fighting for things the rest of the world has already deemed a lost cause - there is something that hits about their generosity, open hearts, and smiling faces that makes you feel like you have finally found where you belong. Which is completely ironic in every sense considering you are on the opposite side of the world from everything you know. To tell you all the truth, I have never felt safer in my life, even walking my dog around my neighborhood, then I did walking down the streets of Tokyo with maybe three or four people that I had known all of three days. And driving throught the countryside, air not clouded with smog or pollution, getting off a plane and not having the smell of fast food an arteries clogging be the first thing to invade your senses - it's so beyond a beautiful feeling. I miss it already.

But summer is here, and there are parties to be planned, movies to be seen, laziness to be enjoyed, and colleges to look at *rolls eyes*. So I will leave you with a playlist for my time in Japan and will hopefully update sooner this time. Thanks for reading!

Playlist: Wonderful Journey - Anastasia Soundtrack, Slide - Goo Goo Dolls, A Whole New World - Aladdin Soundtrack, Dare You to Move - Switchfoot, Big Yellow Taxi - Counting Crows, Somewhere Only We Know - Keane, Broken Bridges - Lindsey Haun and Toby Keith, Hanging By A Moment - Lifehouse, Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, Live Like You Were Dyin' - Tim McGraw, Moonlight Sonata - Ludwig von Beethoven, Calling You - Blue October, Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down, My Immortal - Evanescence, 100 Years - Five for Fighting, The Gods Love Nubia - Heather Headly, Move Along -All-American Rejects, Ridiculous - Bowling For Soup, Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis, Touch My Body - Mariah Carey, Sexy Can I - Ray J featuring Yung Berg, Apologize - Timbaland featuring One Republic, Cotton Eyed Joe - Rednex, Photograph - Nickelback

Way Too Long

So, it has been officially WAY too long since I have updated my blog. Over a month! Yikes! Well I am here now =). The past month with a few exceptions, although far from the best month of my life, was a very telling one. I have spent most of my time (non computer time) talking to God - a lot. I have become more focused and centered on the right priorities more than I have been in a very long time.

SO what has happened this month... hmmm... Well the band banquet and speech lockin were both great fun. Although I have indeed decided that hide-and-seek (in complete darkness) is a game to indeed be played at one's own risk. Nonetheless, it is great fun (minus stinky silly string). I have also been cleared to drive again by my neurologist.

In all honesty though, I have spent most of the past month in prayer. I have begun to notice such simple things about life that I believe I have truly missed up to this point. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day at the Mardi Gras in May fundraiser having fun with my ffriends. There was no drama, no gossip, no anger or tension. It was one of the most beautiful days I can remember. I had forgotten what it was like to simply relax and enjoy the company of those around me and I now found that I indeed quite miss it. After most everyone had left I simply stood by one of the small trees and felt the breeze blow my skirt and lift my hair and felt the sun shining down in a truly gentle manner. I watched the grass roll in waves across the fields and I just remembered how truly beautiful life and simplicity are. I watched the children climb and run and felt the nostalgia flood back as I remembered the days where the biggest problems in life were getting light-up tennis shoes or making sure your favorite crayon never broke.

God created all these things and all these moments to hold and cherish and remember so that when hard times come, not all hope is lost. I can hardly explain to most of you the joy that I know having a personal relationship with God. I probably sound a bit like a Bible-thumper at the moment but trust me, that's not what I am going for. I find comfort in knowing that God loves me - not just because I am Christian, or because He sent His son to die for me but because - simply - I am who I am. I will make mistakes, trivial and colossal, I will lose my hope, light and all desire for existence at some points. But He still wants me. He wants to know me, love me and be accepted by me. He wants to be first in my life and I think that is finnaly where I have put Him. I am impatient, annoying, at times self-centered, and spoiled but all of that disappears when I am humbled by being in His presence.

Lately my heart has been going in an odd direction. I thought I had myself all figured out, but the more I pray, the more I learn about God's plan for me. My heart is being pulled and although i would like to resist where it is being led, I find I can't. This boy, he captivates my attention and makes me lose my thoughts. The timing is certainly not the best for this kind of thing, but if God wants it, then I suppose all will work out.

I certainly hope that this week all of you readers take the time to simply stop and enjoy the simple things in life. Smell a flower, wander through the woods, watch the clouds, or simply lie in a field. Nature can tell us so much more than one would think. Listen to Him, He wants to speak to you - don't be afraid to open up even for the first time.

Also: I love Billy Joel and a good song for the week is his version of The Longest Time

Time for Tears and Change

So, spring break is over and school is back. This week at school has flown and CATS testing has started. Although I have been continusously warned that junior is the worst I will have to disagree. This year has brought plenty of pain, change, tears, smiles, and laughter but surely not everyone has these same personal issues their junior year?

Lately has been a time of ups and downs. Plenty of it probably has to do with hormones and all that loveliness but I am not sure some of it has. Almost two years ago now I made a committment to God that changed my life forever. I rededicated myself to living life for Him, by Him, and of Him. My newfound faith was a time of many tears and much excitement. I felt baggage being lifted off my back and knew a joy that could only come from accepting Christ and knowing he loved and died for me, personally. With momentum and drive still high the next year passed with amazing ambitions arising in me of which I had previously been unaware. I wanted to get involved in international missions ministries or possibly work with a childrens ministry. In this time of calling, I joined with Compassion International, a Christian aid organization which pairs with poverty stricken countries around the world to provide sponsors for growing Christian communities. When I was looking through the children that were looking to be sponsored I came across a picture of a beuatiful four year old girl named Gladness. I have now been sponsoring Gladness for over a year and although our correspondance is little, I find tonight, that she has taught me so many lessons and humbled me before Christ.

In her letters Gladness often dictates how she is doing in her studies and the games she enjoys and what she is learning in Sunday School. But everytime, without fail, this five year old will greet me without fail in the name of the Lord, pray for my family and our wellbeing, and ask that I in turn pray for her. Tonight and this past week I come torealize that I have lost my ambition and drive to do the Lord's bidding that I once had. Selfish thoughts often frequent my mind, thoughts and fears of being alone in this world and having no one in which to confide. And as I sat down to write this entry, planned to be my heart's cry for attention and love, I realize that I no longer need those things because I have had them all along. Gladness, an innocent and loving five year old who lives in Tanzania, loves me. I realize that God loves me and he has never stopped. This realization of my selfishness has humbled me.

This week, possibly more than any other in my life, I miss my Granny - my Granny who accepted anyone and everyone into her home, who showed God's grace and mercy to those who needed it but were too afraid to ask, the one who with a true heart but levelheaded mind was waunt to look at those she loved and in the most discrete manner show them that they are indeed the lucky ones. No one will ever see her, know her, or learn from her the way I did and she was, and still is, the most amazing person in this world to me. If I could say anything to anyone at this moment, truly lookinto your eyes with all of my heart and say one thing for the rest of forever it would be this:

Take one day of you life, and live it for those around you. Go an entire day without worrying, fearing, hurting at all and live solely for the benefit of loving and teaching and acceoting those around you. Let God come into your heart and unlock His mission for you. Love with grace, kindness, boldness, and without regret. Tell every person you care about that you love them and never go to bed angry with someone you love - especially God. There are so many things that are more important in this world than high school drama (which will carry on forever), who likes who, who said what, what they meant, how they judge you, and how you look. God's light shining in a person is the most beautiful thing on this Earth.

My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed,
what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's) My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's)

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x's)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

Spring Break

Alas dear readers, it is spring break - the joyous, well deserved break from the month of march and its continuous school (providing there are no snow days). Yes, well, it has been an interesting spring break. Not too terribly much has happened. The rest of last week slid out in a bit of a blur (moving at the speed of molasses... cold molasses). Friday most of the gang was gone save Josh, amy, and myself. We played cards and hug tag, quite the interesting game. I got a lot closer to many freshman than I ever would have if by will. At one point there was a three way Megan sandwich as I was rushed by Josh, Ian, and Charlie at once...I don't remember who won.

Saturday brought work and a girls night in with Amy-doll (you are in my prayers, honey). We went to Gattiland where I scared the small children and became addicted to Storm Stopper. Amy and I combined tickets so that we could get some freaking awesome prizes. The squishy things we got remained our entertainment for the rest of the time. We watched lots of Eddie Izzard (Wayne in The Riches, Mr.Kite in Across the Universe), John Pinette, and even played some WoW.












Sunday was also quite the eventful day. I went to work and me and Miss Amy worked the entire day. Just us. One stylist and one receptionist. Woo hoo! I am pretty sure we should get Employees of the Month. And FYI people, plese never lose your patience at a salon, especially with a receptionist. I promise you we try our best we really do and giving us nasty looks and bad attitudes doesn't help AT ALL. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Monday, I was at my dad's in the morning where I was bit by the devil dog (Lou) and now have a wicked looking dog bite on my right hand.

Tuesday we took Bear Bear to the vet (poor baby). He got lots of shots but he's feeling better. We also got his electric fence fixed and are retraining him. So far he stays in the backyard as long as we leave his lead tied to his collar but don't tie up the other end.

And today my mm and I drove up to the Edinburgh Outlet Mall. It was not a very successful trip. A few shirts, some ice cream, some salsa ( I <3>

Forgive Me Love:

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I
Shouldn't be here
Without permission
Shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
Went through your drawers and I found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD's
And I played your Johnny
And I
Shouldn't stay long
You might be home soon
I Shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon



I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said hello love
I love you so love
Meet me at midnight
And no
It wasn't my writing
I better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon