Time for Tears and Change

So, spring break is over and school is back. This week at school has flown and CATS testing has started. Although I have been continusously warned that junior is the worst I will have to disagree. This year has brought plenty of pain, change, tears, smiles, and laughter but surely not everyone has these same personal issues their junior year?

Lately has been a time of ups and downs. Plenty of it probably has to do with hormones and all that loveliness but I am not sure some of it has. Almost two years ago now I made a committment to God that changed my life forever. I rededicated myself to living life for Him, by Him, and of Him. My newfound faith was a time of many tears and much excitement. I felt baggage being lifted off my back and knew a joy that could only come from accepting Christ and knowing he loved and died for me, personally. With momentum and drive still high the next year passed with amazing ambitions arising in me of which I had previously been unaware. I wanted to get involved in international missions ministries or possibly work with a childrens ministry. In this time of calling, I joined with Compassion International, a Christian aid organization which pairs with poverty stricken countries around the world to provide sponsors for growing Christian communities. When I was looking through the children that were looking to be sponsored I came across a picture of a beuatiful four year old girl named Gladness. I have now been sponsoring Gladness for over a year and although our correspondance is little, I find tonight, that she has taught me so many lessons and humbled me before Christ.

In her letters Gladness often dictates how she is doing in her studies and the games she enjoys and what she is learning in Sunday School. But everytime, without fail, this five year old will greet me without fail in the name of the Lord, pray for my family and our wellbeing, and ask that I in turn pray for her. Tonight and this past week I come torealize that I have lost my ambition and drive to do the Lord's bidding that I once had. Selfish thoughts often frequent my mind, thoughts and fears of being alone in this world and having no one in which to confide. And as I sat down to write this entry, planned to be my heart's cry for attention and love, I realize that I no longer need those things because I have had them all along. Gladness, an innocent and loving five year old who lives in Tanzania, loves me. I realize that God loves me and he has never stopped. This realization of my selfishness has humbled me.

This week, possibly more than any other in my life, I miss my Granny - my Granny who accepted anyone and everyone into her home, who showed God's grace and mercy to those who needed it but were too afraid to ask, the one who with a true heart but levelheaded mind was waunt to look at those she loved and in the most discrete manner show them that they are indeed the lucky ones. No one will ever see her, know her, or learn from her the way I did and she was, and still is, the most amazing person in this world to me. If I could say anything to anyone at this moment, truly lookinto your eyes with all of my heart and say one thing for the rest of forever it would be this:

Take one day of you life, and live it for those around you. Go an entire day without worrying, fearing, hurting at all and live solely for the benefit of loving and teaching and acceoting those around you. Let God come into your heart and unlock His mission for you. Love with grace, kindness, boldness, and without regret. Tell every person you care about that you love them and never go to bed angry with someone you love - especially God. There are so many things that are more important in this world than high school drama (which will carry on forever), who likes who, who said what, what they meant, how they judge you, and how you look. God's light shining in a person is the most beautiful thing on this Earth.

My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed,
what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's) My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's)

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x's)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives