Way Too Long

So, it has been officially WAY too long since I have updated my blog. Over a month! Yikes! Well I am here now =). The past month with a few exceptions, although far from the best month of my life, was a very telling one. I have spent most of my time (non computer time) talking to God - a lot. I have become more focused and centered on the right priorities more than I have been in a very long time.

SO what has happened this month... hmmm... Well the band banquet and speech lockin were both great fun. Although I have indeed decided that hide-and-seek (in complete darkness) is a game to indeed be played at one's own risk. Nonetheless, it is great fun (minus stinky silly string). I have also been cleared to drive again by my neurologist.

In all honesty though, I have spent most of the past month in prayer. I have begun to notice such simple things about life that I believe I have truly missed up to this point. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day at the Mardi Gras in May fundraiser having fun with my ffriends. There was no drama, no gossip, no anger or tension. It was one of the most beautiful days I can remember. I had forgotten what it was like to simply relax and enjoy the company of those around me and I now found that I indeed quite miss it. After most everyone had left I simply stood by one of the small trees and felt the breeze blow my skirt and lift my hair and felt the sun shining down in a truly gentle manner. I watched the grass roll in waves across the fields and I just remembered how truly beautiful life and simplicity are. I watched the children climb and run and felt the nostalgia flood back as I remembered the days where the biggest problems in life were getting light-up tennis shoes or making sure your favorite crayon never broke.

God created all these things and all these moments to hold and cherish and remember so that when hard times come, not all hope is lost. I can hardly explain to most of you the joy that I know having a personal relationship with God. I probably sound a bit like a Bible-thumper at the moment but trust me, that's not what I am going for. I find comfort in knowing that God loves me - not just because I am Christian, or because He sent His son to die for me but because - simply - I am who I am. I will make mistakes, trivial and colossal, I will lose my hope, light and all desire for existence at some points. But He still wants me. He wants to know me, love me and be accepted by me. He wants to be first in my life and I think that is finnaly where I have put Him. I am impatient, annoying, at times self-centered, and spoiled but all of that disappears when I am humbled by being in His presence.

Lately my heart has been going in an odd direction. I thought I had myself all figured out, but the more I pray, the more I learn about God's plan for me. My heart is being pulled and although i would like to resist where it is being led, I find I can't. This boy, he captivates my attention and makes me lose my thoughts. The timing is certainly not the best for this kind of thing, but if God wants it, then I suppose all will work out.

I certainly hope that this week all of you readers take the time to simply stop and enjoy the simple things in life. Smell a flower, wander through the woods, watch the clouds, or simply lie in a field. Nature can tell us so much more than one would think. Listen to Him, He wants to speak to you - don't be afraid to open up even for the first time.

Also: I love Billy Joel and a good song for the week is his version of The Longest Time

Time for Tears and Change

So, spring break is over and school is back. This week at school has flown and CATS testing has started. Although I have been continusously warned that junior is the worst I will have to disagree. This year has brought plenty of pain, change, tears, smiles, and laughter but surely not everyone has these same personal issues their junior year?

Lately has been a time of ups and downs. Plenty of it probably has to do with hormones and all that loveliness but I am not sure some of it has. Almost two years ago now I made a committment to God that changed my life forever. I rededicated myself to living life for Him, by Him, and of Him. My newfound faith was a time of many tears and much excitement. I felt baggage being lifted off my back and knew a joy that could only come from accepting Christ and knowing he loved and died for me, personally. With momentum and drive still high the next year passed with amazing ambitions arising in me of which I had previously been unaware. I wanted to get involved in international missions ministries or possibly work with a childrens ministry. In this time of calling, I joined with Compassion International, a Christian aid organization which pairs with poverty stricken countries around the world to provide sponsors for growing Christian communities. When I was looking through the children that were looking to be sponsored I came across a picture of a beuatiful four year old girl named Gladness. I have now been sponsoring Gladness for over a year and although our correspondance is little, I find tonight, that she has taught me so many lessons and humbled me before Christ.

In her letters Gladness often dictates how she is doing in her studies and the games she enjoys and what she is learning in Sunday School. But everytime, without fail, this five year old will greet me without fail in the name of the Lord, pray for my family and our wellbeing, and ask that I in turn pray for her. Tonight and this past week I come torealize that I have lost my ambition and drive to do the Lord's bidding that I once had. Selfish thoughts often frequent my mind, thoughts and fears of being alone in this world and having no one in which to confide. And as I sat down to write this entry, planned to be my heart's cry for attention and love, I realize that I no longer need those things because I have had them all along. Gladness, an innocent and loving five year old who lives in Tanzania, loves me. I realize that God loves me and he has never stopped. This realization of my selfishness has humbled me.

This week, possibly more than any other in my life, I miss my Granny - my Granny who accepted anyone and everyone into her home, who showed God's grace and mercy to those who needed it but were too afraid to ask, the one who with a true heart but levelheaded mind was waunt to look at those she loved and in the most discrete manner show them that they are indeed the lucky ones. No one will ever see her, know her, or learn from her the way I did and she was, and still is, the most amazing person in this world to me. If I could say anything to anyone at this moment, truly lookinto your eyes with all of my heart and say one thing for the rest of forever it would be this:

Take one day of you life, and live it for those around you. Go an entire day without worrying, fearing, hurting at all and live solely for the benefit of loving and teaching and acceoting those around you. Let God come into your heart and unlock His mission for you. Love with grace, kindness, boldness, and without regret. Tell every person you care about that you love them and never go to bed angry with someone you love - especially God. There are so many things that are more important in this world than high school drama (which will carry on forever), who likes who, who said what, what they meant, how they judge you, and how you look. God's light shining in a person is the most beautiful thing on this Earth.

My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed,
what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's) My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

Chorus (2x's)

(Instrumental)

Chorus: (2x's)
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

Spring Break

Alas dear readers, it is spring break - the joyous, well deserved break from the month of march and its continuous school (providing there are no snow days). Yes, well, it has been an interesting spring break. Not too terribly much has happened. The rest of last week slid out in a bit of a blur (moving at the speed of molasses... cold molasses). Friday most of the gang was gone save Josh, amy, and myself. We played cards and hug tag, quite the interesting game. I got a lot closer to many freshman than I ever would have if by will. At one point there was a three way Megan sandwich as I was rushed by Josh, Ian, and Charlie at once...I don't remember who won.

Saturday brought work and a girls night in with Amy-doll (you are in my prayers, honey). We went to Gattiland where I scared the small children and became addicted to Storm Stopper. Amy and I combined tickets so that we could get some freaking awesome prizes. The squishy things we got remained our entertainment for the rest of the time. We watched lots of Eddie Izzard (Wayne in The Riches, Mr.Kite in Across the Universe), John Pinette, and even played some WoW.












Sunday was also quite the eventful day. I went to work and me and Miss Amy worked the entire day. Just us. One stylist and one receptionist. Woo hoo! I am pretty sure we should get Employees of the Month. And FYI people, plese never lose your patience at a salon, especially with a receptionist. I promise you we try our best we really do and giving us nasty looks and bad attitudes doesn't help AT ALL. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Monday, I was at my dad's in the morning where I was bit by the devil dog (Lou) and now have a wicked looking dog bite on my right hand.

Tuesday we took Bear Bear to the vet (poor baby). He got lots of shots but he's feeling better. We also got his electric fence fixed and are retraining him. So far he stays in the backyard as long as we leave his lead tied to his collar but don't tie up the other end.

And today my mm and I drove up to the Edinburgh Outlet Mall. It was not a very successful trip. A few shirts, some ice cream, some salsa ( I <3>

Forgive Me Love:

I went to your house
Walked up the stairs
I opened your door without ringing the bell
I walked down the hall
Into your room
Where I could smell you
And I
Shouldn't be here
Without permission
Shouldn't be here

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon

I took off my clothes
Put on your robe
Went through your drawers and I found your cologne
Went down to the den
Found your CD's
And I played your Johnny
And I
Shouldn't stay long
You might be home soon
I Shouldn't stay long

Would you forgive me love
If I danced in your shower
Would you forgive me love
If I laid in your bed
Would you forgive me love
If I stay all afternoon



I burned your incense
I ran a bath
I noticed a letter that sat on your desk
It said hello love
I love you so love
Meet me at midnight
And no
It wasn't my writing
I better go soon
It wasn't my writing

So forgive me love
If I cry in your shower
So forgive me love
For the salt in your bed
So forgive me love
If I cry all afternoon

Poisson d'Avril!

Happy April Fool's Day (or Poisson d'Avril in France which means April Fish). In France, you tape paper fish to peoples' backs and yell "Poisson d'Avril" when they figure it out. FUn fact for the day =)

Anyhow, Vacancy in Paradise is over at last. It was fun while it lasted but I think all drama kids can come the the consensus that after working on a play for over five months, one does become slightly tired of the process.

We are the Hotness =)

How '40's pin-up girl of us?

The whole cast and crew on our hole of a stage =D Silly pic time...You see we all officially lost our damn minds by the time it was all said and done.

Anywho, things have been relatively drama free this week (no pun and irony intended). The weather is beautiful. I do find it mildly amusing, however, that seeing as I have stopped responding to email and snail mail where college pamphlets are concerned, that instead of giving up or giving in they are getting more aggressive. For the second time in the past week I have received a call at home from a registrar's office with students calling to ask how I feel about their school and "Do you have any questions?", "Oh, our drama department??? It's fabulous! Nationally recognized - I think." *Sigh* These poor dears. I am not much of a phone junkie I must confess and I do not make for such interesting conversation as can be reasonably understood by one who has not spent their life being brainwashed by The Arts. I must be a terrible bore to talk to with head constantly looking for a cloud high enough to perch itself on.

But, all in all, it has been a calm week. Kristin and I are planning to prom dress shop next week which will probably turn into a very tedious task. I don't have too much else to say at this point in time anymore. Hope you are all having a good week! I am off to start squirming my way through the eight books I picked up at the library today =) (that's what happens when you don't have cable).

Lyrics to Belle from Beauty and the Beast :

Little town

It's a quiet village

Ev'ry day

Like the one before

Little town

Full of little people

Waking up to say:

[Townsfolk:] Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!

[Belle:] There goes the baker with his tray, like always

The same old bread and rolls to sell

Ev'ry morning just the same

Since the morning that we came

To this poor provincial town

[Baker:] Good Morning, Belle!

[Belle:] 'Morning, Monsieur.

[Baker:] Where are you off to?

[Belle:] The bookshop. I just finished the most wonderful story

about a beanstalk and an ogre and a -

[Baker:] That's nice. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! )

[Townsfolk:] Look there she goes that girl is strange, no question

Dazed and distracted, can't you tell?

Never part of any crowd

'Cause her head's up on some cloud

No denying she's a funny girl that Belle

[Man I:] Bonjour

[Woman I:] Good day

[Man I:] How is your fam'ly?

[Woman II:] Bonjour

[Man II:] Good day

[Woman II:] How is your wife?

[Woman III:] I need six eggs

[Man III:] That's too expensive

[Belle:] There must be more than this provincial life

[Bookseller:] Ah, Belle.

[Belle:] Good Morning. I've come to return the book I borrowed.

[Bookseller:] Finished already?

[Belle:] Oh, I couldn't put it down. Have you got anything new?

[Bookseller:] Ha Ha! Not since yesterday.

[Belle:] That's all right. I'll borrow . . . . . this one!

[Bookseller:] That one? But you've read it twice!

[Belle:] Well, it's my favorite! Far off places, daring swordfights,

magic spells, a prince in disguise -

[Bookseller:] If you like it all that much, it's yours!

[Belle:] But sir!

[Bookseller:] I insist.

[Belle:] Well, thank you. Thank you very much!

[Townsfolk:] Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar

I wonder if she's feeling well

With a dreamy far-off look

And her nose stuck in a book

What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle

[Belle:] Oh, isn't this amazing?

It's my fav'rite part because you'll see

Here's where she meets Prince Charming

But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three

[Woman:] Now it's no wonder that her name means "beauty"

Her looks have got no parallel

[Shopkeeper:] But behind that fair facade

I'm afraid she's rather odd

Very diff'rent from the rest of us

[Townsfolk:] She's nothing like the rest of us

Yes, diff'rent from the rest of us is Belle

[LeFou:] Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest

hunter in the whole world!

[Gaston:] I know.

[LeFou:] No beast alive stands a chance against you. Ha ha ha! And

no girl, for that matter.

[Gaston:] It's true, LeFou. And I've got my sights set on that one.

[LeFou:] Hm! The inventor's daughter?

[Gaston:] She's the one - the lucky girl I'm going to marry.

[LeFou:] But she's -

[Gaston:] The most beautiful girl in town.

[LeFou:] I know, but -

[Gaston:] That makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?

[LeFou:] Well, of course! I mean you do, but -

[Gaston:] Right from the moment when I met her, saw her

I said she's gorgeous and I fell

Here in town there's only she

Who is beautiful as me

So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle

[Bimbettes:] Look there he goes

Isn't he dreamy?

Monsieur Gaston

Oh he's so cute

Be still my heart

I'm hardly breathing

He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute

[Man I:] Bonjour!

[Gaston:] Pardon

[Man II:] Good day

[Man III:] Mais oui!

[Matron:] You call this bacon?

[Woman I:] What lovely grapes!

[Man IV:] Some cheese

[Woman II:] Ten yards

[Man IV:] one pound

[Gaston:] 'scuse me!

[Cheese merchant:] I'll get the knife

[Gaston:] Please let me through!

[Woman I:] This bread -

[Man V:] Those fish -

[Woman I:] it's stale!

[Man V:] they smell!

[Baker:] Madame's mistaken.

[Belle:] There must be more than this provincial life!

[Gaston:] Just watch, I'm going to make Belle my wife!

[Townsfolk:] Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special

A most peculiar mad'moiselle

It's a pity and a sin

She doesn't quite fit in

'Cause she really is a funny girl

A beauty but a funny girl

She really is a funny girl

That Belle

Through the Eyes of James Gatz

Everything lately has been floating right past me. I am standing still and the world is rushing around me like that scene in the movies - using high tech imaging equipment, color panels, and green screens. I feel like I have hit a mid-life crisis but if I die at age 34 - a) it's an even number so blech b) I probably will never get the courage to say what I really want to say just about everybody and c) I don't know that I could make an impact that fast - but who knows?

I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out who I really am and I think it all goes back to the fact that I spend way too much time beating myself for what I'm not and not enough time for loving myself for what I am. I have finally decided that, could you equate who I believe myself to be rightnow to a character - any character at all, at the present I would call myself James Gatz. You know - minus the fact that I am real, not a guy, not in love with one person forever, and don't live in a big ass mansion. Perhaps you are more familiar with the alias Jay Gatsby? I am however, amd perhaps, most importantly an idealist. I want everything to be picture perfect and I know how everything should work. A little bit of my heart breaks everytime the story doesn't turn out the way I have been told it should.

So as of today, I am writing the book. I have made this resolution before as you may very well know, but this time I don't feel dependent on anyone but myself to be happy. It's all up to me and I will only be down if I let people get to me. For now I am happy being single, learning more about myself, and trying to better myself to the best of my abilities.

The other major thing happening right now is that The Gang is practically falling apart. It's being torn by cliques, drama, changes (good and bad), dependencies, and restlessness. I find myself praying sometimes that our group doesn't fall apart - but what if it's for the better? It's a thought that's scarier than Hell...but seriously. Are friendships where neither friend is happy with the way things are really a decent friendship??? I think it's all in God's hands, I really think it is. Change is always hard and almost never fun but I guess but the resistors to change are often the bad guys in history, are they not?

Here are some songs to check out that kinda summarize my life in the past two weeks:

It's Easy - Heather Headly, from Aida

I Know the Truth - Sherie Rene Scott, from Aida

A-Hole - Bowling For Soup




Take Me or Leave Me - from Rent

The Book I Write - Spoon

Holding Out for a Hero - Bonnie Tyler

You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban

You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrisette

Undignified - David Crowder Band

The Day My Heart Broke - Again

I am hurt -and somewhat shocked. No I retract that statement. I am not shocked at all. I have never been the best judge of character and I give away my heart way too easily. AM I the only one in this world who was taught to love whole heartedly? Am I the only one, who albeit fights her trust issues every day, gives away her heart way too early? Do I want to get hurt???

I apologize for this rant. I want to apologize for being in love... but I cannot. I was in love with someone who wasn't there. Or maybe someone who was there and didn't want my help.

Today's lesson: Life throws curveballs and lots of them. But that's no reason to quit the game. Although, right now, there is nothing in the world that I would rather do than quit - or curl up and cry - or get mad at myself (but that never turns out very well). Chin up, right? Keep on walking - with a big, fake, plastic smile on my face. Hold it together for the people around me.

Should I even try anymore? Is there any guy out there at all who will accept me for who I am and quit walking all over me or lying to me??? It's always one or the other. I have always believed that there is that one someone out there for - but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I was meant to be an old spinster who lives in a croooked house away from all of society and raises cats and whose highlight of the year is handing out candy to all the little kids - little kids that I never had.

Right now I am hadning over the wheel - again. Only God knows how to drive me out of this mess and make me whole again. He's the only one I can trust anymore to take care of me.

If there is anyone out there in the world right now, reading this, who loves someone with their whole heart- don't be shy about it. Scream it from the mountain tops or from the depths of the sea because someday you will find The One and you can't go running scared because once upon a time someone hurt you. Once upon a time you realized you had the power to break someone and did. Open up your hearts for goodness' sake and let someone in. All you are doing is hurting yourself. I pray for everyone out there who has ever been looked down upon for speaking their mind and for those who are to afraid of rejection if they speak theirs. But mostly, my prayers go out to all the people in the world who are afraid to risk their own happiness because they are afraid of love. If you haven't read it before I suggest checking out I Corinthians 13:4-8. This is what love is and accept nothing less nito your life.

To quote Mr.Ray: "Pain heals, glory lasts forever." Think about it. You will forget the pain eventually, but the good times - may you never forget the good times.

All In Arms Reach

When all is said and done,
Will you see that I loved you?
I entreat you -
Take my heart,
Hold it and protect it the rest of your days.
When I try to walk,
Hold it closer to you,
When I yank, yank back,
Let me know that I am yours.

Your hand touches mine and I soar,
Through the clouds,
Which must be what makes love blind.

I reach for your heart,
To show you the joy and contentment I have known,
Soul cleansing and mind boggling -
I see you reject it first,
My heart breaks...
Again, I entreat-
(Listen, understand - at least try...
He saved my life,
Don't make Him save yours for you to believe)

One day this love will have shown itself,
You will see that pressure was not my intention,
Nor fear and arrogance my motivation,
Twas out of my love for you and Him -
You have a choice,
You always will.

Yea or nay,
Cannot shake my love,
Or remove my heart from in your reach;
Should you push me away,
Hope will linger in my heart that one day you will reach out again,
God could not have cut more perfect form,
Than you and I.

Playlist: Over You - Daughtry, Photograph - Nickelback, Hotel California - The Eagles, How You Remind Me - Nickelback, Lips of an Angel - Hinder