Through the Eyes of James Gatz

Everything lately has been floating right past me. I am standing still and the world is rushing around me like that scene in the movies - using high tech imaging equipment, color panels, and green screens. I feel like I have hit a mid-life crisis but if I die at age 34 - a) it's an even number so blech b) I probably will never get the courage to say what I really want to say just about everybody and c) I don't know that I could make an impact that fast - but who knows?

I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out who I really am and I think it all goes back to the fact that I spend way too much time beating myself for what I'm not and not enough time for loving myself for what I am. I have finally decided that, could you equate who I believe myself to be rightnow to a character - any character at all, at the present I would call myself James Gatz. You know - minus the fact that I am real, not a guy, not in love with one person forever, and don't live in a big ass mansion. Perhaps you are more familiar with the alias Jay Gatsby? I am however, amd perhaps, most importantly an idealist. I want everything to be picture perfect and I know how everything should work. A little bit of my heart breaks everytime the story doesn't turn out the way I have been told it should.

So as of today, I am writing the book. I have made this resolution before as you may very well know, but this time I don't feel dependent on anyone but myself to be happy. It's all up to me and I will only be down if I let people get to me. For now I am happy being single, learning more about myself, and trying to better myself to the best of my abilities.

The other major thing happening right now is that The Gang is practically falling apart. It's being torn by cliques, drama, changes (good and bad), dependencies, and restlessness. I find myself praying sometimes that our group doesn't fall apart - but what if it's for the better? It's a thought that's scarier than Hell...but seriously. Are friendships where neither friend is happy with the way things are really a decent friendship??? I think it's all in God's hands, I really think it is. Change is always hard and almost never fun but I guess but the resistors to change are often the bad guys in history, are they not?

Here are some songs to check out that kinda summarize my life in the past two weeks:

It's Easy - Heather Headly, from Aida

I Know the Truth - Sherie Rene Scott, from Aida

A-Hole - Bowling For Soup




Take Me or Leave Me - from Rent

The Book I Write - Spoon

Holding Out for a Hero - Bonnie Tyler

You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban

You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrisette

Undignified - David Crowder Band