Stream of Consciousness

It seems that I must stop making promises. Everytime I write, I swear it will be sooner and yet I find that it never is. And thus it seems that promises will forever be my pitfall. So reader, no more promises. If my writing benefits you, then all the more. It may seem a slightly selfish thing to say - but this blog is more often an escape for my stream of consciousness. If it benefits others, than it is an additional plus to the way I seem to waste my time.

But moving on, I am now at college in the wonderful suburbs of St.Paul, Minnesota... and it is beautiful. I have definitely had my ups and downs since being here but it is more wonderful than anything I could have ever hoped for. I have met some of the most amazing people that I know I will ever meet. I have seen more evidence of faith in God in these past two months than ever. I am always witnessing how wonderful the God of our universe is... how magnificent.

I was offered a role in one of the fall productions here on campus and I feel so blessed to have been afforded such an opportunity. The play was called The Clearing. It is a beautifully tragic play about the ethnic cleansing that took place in Ireland in the 17th century. It was a very touching production and took a great deal of emotional investment from every cast and crew member (who are all fabulous I might add). I found myself awed by the compassion, empathy, humor and just outright honesty that existed in such a small community of students and faculty.

I knew that I loved theatre for a reason but I experienced a reral passion for theatre for maybe only the second time in my life. Through sickness, excessive course loads, family tragedy, aand personal struggles I watched every member of the production persevere just to give the audience a story. When we prayed before each performance I would listen in amazement as person after person continued to pray that God's glory could be shone through our work.

It doesn't occur to many people at all, especially when you look at most modern productions, but theatre is an incredibly spiritual experience. While good theatre does require a certain level of talent, skill, and training, part of it is controlled completely by God. Christ was a story-teller and so are we. Yes, theatre can be crude, disruptive, obnoxious, degrading, and inappropriate at times...but so can life. As Christians, it is our responsibility to reach out to the lonely,broken, frightened, and empty.

If as Christians, we choose simply to acknowledge, accept, and coexist with only other Christians, then we are failing Christ. We are called to be fishers of men...all men and women, not just the ones we choose. Life can be harsh and disgusting and so those stories must be told too. Besides, most people have not been Christians all their lives and even if they have... well, nobody is perfect. I believe that my passion for theatre comes from the fact that I can tell other peoples stories. I can help people feel like they are understood. No one should ever have to walk alone through life and everyone should be given the opportunity to know God, or His son was sent to die in vain.

My point of view may be "extremist" but I assure you that bubbles of any sort will get you nowhere. I beliee that God intervened an saved my life four years ago and I would never deny that chance to any other human being. He doesn't always works on grand, or even noticable, scales...but He does work.

Don't believe me?

Look around. Do you see a roof over your head or clothes on your body? If so, than you have much to be grateful for. Families around the world sing God's praise even as they live from one day to the next on virtually nothing. Look out the window. Look at the clouds and the grass, and the changing leaves. See the children playing in the street and the sun shining. It is a good day. Think of the worst moment of your life. Know that you survived it - that alone is reason to smile. And smiles? Smiles are worth the world.

Playlist:
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Angel of Mine - Monica

The Tide

Sorry, it has been so long readers. I really don't know why I apologize when I am pretty ssure that no one reads this but me. Oh well! Better safe than sorry =) It has once again been quite sometime since I blogged. As a kid, everyday is a new adventure and you never believe that time will truly fly (especially in time out). As each day of summer passes, I feel that actuality and gravity of the sentiment that has been relayed to me by adults all my life.



The harder I look, the more I miss. This summer - one that by even fiction's standards is supposed to be life altering - is disappearing without a trace. Not that is hasn't been memorable. That is quite far from the truth...but I am clinging to hopes that haven't flourished.



And maybe that's the point. Maybe this summer, God wants me to see and appreciate all I have. Maybe this summer won't be world shaking...because come August my life will be turned upside down. Or at least, that is my perception at this particular moment in time.



When I was at the beach these past two weeks, I discovered something. Our lives are quite like the tide. There are high tides and low tides, our good times and bad times. Often during low tides, or bad times, we discover secret treasures - a silver lining, if you will - to our situations. During high tide, the waves roll in bigger than ever and yet we enjoy and cherish that time while we can. In every 26 hour period, there are two pivotal moments - two exact minutes each day where the tide changes directions. And these two defining moments are neither definitively marked nor celebrated. I can't help but feel that life is the same way. This summer is the epitome of the tide turning... but I'm not quite sure which way...

Playlist:
Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
The Riddle - Five for Fighting

Okay, So I Lied...

Alright! So I know I said I would be back sooner...but *shrug* life happens! As far as personal updates go: the play finished very successfully, school is SO close to being over, and I think all of my friends (myself included) are nuts. We leave Thursday (we= CB, Squishy, Kristin, Andrew, and Kelsey) for speech team nationals in Albany, NY! It should be an intersting experience to say the least =) Senior 'Stang (also known as Senior Assassin at other schools) has started this week - very intense game of water gun tag.

On a much more philosophical note, we are nearing the end...or the beginning as I have begun to call it in a last ditch effort to become an optimist. There are exactly SIX legit school days left, and I don't think that any of us seniors really know how we should react to that. I know many, including myself, will celebrate like there is no tomorrow. What I am not sure of is how I feel about that. These celebrations mean that I am ultimately nearing the point where I will be leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that I know to go get a "higher education." I will be leaving that same 3 mile stretch of road that I have driven every morning and afternoon, Monday-Friday 9 months out of the past 13 years. I will be leaving my house which I could find my way around flawlessly in the dark, with a blind fold, upside down, and spun around ten times. It means I will be leaving my best friends of all time, my family, and every person whose words have shaped who I am today. I will be walking away from 18 years of memories and life experiences. My emotional and spiritual role models and supporters will not be able to drive right down the road for a hug, or chocolate, or a whole night of pity-partying when necessary.

And all of this, scares the hell out of me. Yes, this was a decision I made and yes it's one that I believe best for me. But when time comes to say "see you later" to some and "goodbye" to others, I don't know that I will be able to handle it.

Louis L'Amour once said, "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning." And so, I take it - this will be the beginning. It will be a chance to live and learn more than I ever have before. It will be a chance for all of us to grow and explore and live passionately beyond all reason.

To every senior (or everyone at a turning point): Right now the world may seem to be crashing down or exploding beyond the horizon. The only thing that I know to tell you is to find your passion, your bliss, the things in the world you could do all day and have it never seem like work and follow those things passionately, without exhaustion. The world is ours to capture and explore so DO IT!

Make sure you live your life and that it doesn't live you. Give back to those around and find selflessness in all that you do. Thirty, fourty, fifty years down the road people may remember you for your style but style means nothing without class, poise, and character. We are all of us blessed to be in such a fortunate position in life and it's easy to forget. However, don't do things for others to make yourself feel better - it cancels out the "selfless" aspect of what you are doing. It doesn't matter if cute shoes are $200 or $2. You don't have to wear or buy designer to be a role model to others.

Have fun next year finding your passion and taking the world by storm. Look for God and faithj in your life, and never forget how mujch you have been (for)given!

~Blessings

Put on Your Blue Suede Shoes

Don't we all need feel good days? You know the days I'm talking about... right? Although it was definitely too chilly outside and to chaotic a schedule to truly be a feel good day - today really felt like one. Okay, for those of you who are lost - let me explain.

Feel Good Day - n., A day such that one's heart and emotional existence can coordirnate with physical peace and harmony.

Right... so let's try that again...

Feel Good Day - A day where the sun shines early and the birds are chirping. You get enough sleep to wake up during the sunrise and not feel tired. The sunrise is then observed while walking through dewey grass, barefoot, and listening to everything that is peaceful and natural. A strong rhythm beats in your veins and you feel on top of the world... at least that's what it is for me. There is no more (important) internal conflict and, quite frankly, no one else's opinion really matters.

Today was definitely a Feel Good Day - far from perfect, and far from what the ideal Feel Good Day should be but somehow I could care less about everything going around me. For today, it was just me and God and the song of my soul - which is ironically similiar to Walking in Memphis.

I, like many others, cannot wait for summer. There is something about summer that I have always claimed to detest but really do quite adore. Summer is a season of brutal honesty. In spring, there exists the facade of innocence and rebirth. After summer, autumn comes with it's "aging" wisdom and calm serenity that hint toward the end. And then winter is filled with death and deception. It waits -giving false hope that maybe autumn won't have to end and then fades slowly with small, teasing glimpses of spring.

But summer, summer is the exposure - the honesty - that is lacking for me. In summer, I don't have to smile anymore. I don't have to stress to make other's happy with my grades and my attitudes. In summer, I don't have to waste my days with mindless drone work that may at some point contribute to a higher paying job but definitely does not contribute to a satisfied soul.

Summer brings heat and fire and irritation but it is when you get to see the true colors. It is where you see dedication on the blacktop "marching field" ten hours a day; where you see runners not so gracefully pushing themselves over the hills until they collapse from exhaustion. It is also a place to relax and just be yourself - the pretensions and the facades of high school social classes stop.

The rolling Kentucky hills, covered in soft, meshy grass are made into a beautiful canvas full of paths to be ventured. And on the days romaning these hills, it's where the power of today's materialistic, man-made, man-controlled, man-destroyed society ceases it's grip on me. Out there it is only me and God. Out there... out there I can be me without being judged or ranked.

Any maybe I am disillusioned with life - maybe is summer is just another scientific cycle which just happens to fit in perfectly with a great metaphor. But I don't think so... God is too deliberate to have let something that intricate happen by chance. The most important thing is that we find and appreciate our "feel good" days for what they are... a chance to be free. A chance to sing to your heart's content, dance until your knees give way, talk until your own voice makes you sick, and listen until you start to think that you have possibly lost your own voice.

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into the trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves." - John Muir (American naturalist and writer)

Finding Forrest

On Sunday, our high school service started a series based on a book by Leonard Sweet, Dean of the School of Theology at Drew University. the book is entitled 11 Indispensable Relationships You Can't Be Without. The book discusses 11 relationships that we need to be stable in our lives. All of the relationships have modern and Biblical examples for us to connect to.


This first week, the relationship we studied was that of a true friend. Now, keep in mind, a true friend does not necessarily have to be a best friend. In 1 Samuel 18 all the way through 2 Samuel 1 we learn of the true friendship between David and Jonathan. Jonathan and David become friends, even though, Jonathan's father (Saul) and David are enemies. However, their friendship goes even deeper than that. When Jonathan is sent to kill David by his father, Jonathan instead tells David to be on guard. When Saul sends more soldiers after David, instead of fleeing altogether, David runs to Jonathan to ask for advice and Jonathan helps David escape. For Jonathan to resist his father's orders and aide the man who was pronounced to become king (even though through lineage Jonathan should have been heir), is huge. 1 Samuel 18:1-3 (NIV) states "After David had finished talking with Sual, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself." Then, in 1 Samuel 20:42 we witness again the strength of their friendship. "Jonathan said to David, 'Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord, saying, 'The Lord is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'' " Jonathan and David were closer than brothers who would do anything for each other. Such great friends in fact, that even their descendants would share that bond.




The other, contemporary example that the book gives is Forrest Gump. The reason he is the modern is example is because of his life long dedication to the people he loves most - whether it is his Mama, Jenny, Bubba, or Lieutenant Dan. One thing that Forrest always asks his friends is "What can I do for you?" Although you may never here him say, it is apparent through all of his actions, that this is how he approaches most, if not all, of the situations he faces.



A true friend is loyal. A true friend will be honest with you when everyone else pretends that life is okay. A true friend shows dedication, selflessness, and a bond that is closer than a brother or sister. I know that I have three true friends -three people than I can go to for just about anything and I know that they will listen. Not only will they listen, but they will help me find a solution - whether that means coping with other people or readjusting my attitude. So my question to you this week is this: Who are your true friends? Who can you go to when the world no longer cares and life doesn't seem worth it anymore?



And don't forget that it is good to have a balance. For girls, it is good to have guys that cut through the crap but you also need a girl that is more than a sister to you for those times when guys just don't understand. And the same thing goes for guys, too. True friends don't come along often so hold onto them tight. And never forget that these relationships aren't one-sided.



To whom are you a Forrest, or a Jonathan? Especially in our society, it is easy to forgot that the world does not revolve around our problems and our stress. Be willing to put everything aside and just listen - sometimes it can be more relaxing than you think.



Tune in next week to find out what the book says next! Of course, any of you are more than welcome to actually join me for church on Sunday - just leave a comment!!!

Playlist: I Will Be - Leona Lewis, Let's Get Together - The Youngbloods, You've Got a Friend In Me - Toy Story Soundtrack, I'll Be There for You - The Rembrandts, Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

Addictions

The roads are busy enough to provide distraction, snowy enough to prove dangerous, and just dark enough that I can hide behind the wheel and avoid the stares of other drivers. You see, driving the highways and the backroads, alone, with the music up, that's where I can think. Sitting right there, weaving through traffic, rounding the curves of Kentucky roads - that's where I talk to God and often where God talks to me.

On Sunday, a sort of epiphany came to me on the way home after church. I am sure I was beating myself over something foolish when I promised myself that it was going to change - it was. Just then, God waved His hand in front of my face. It hit me how many times I have made this promise in the past few years.

Making promises is an addiction for me - and an awful one at that. Many times I promise things, lightheartedly, and never follow through. I know this is a bad thing but I can't seem to stop because the other addiction of mine which runs hand-in-hand is my addiction to try to please everyone. Both are very annoying, very irrational, and very impossible addictions to deal with.

I have, for now however, decided that trying to fix these silly addictions is pointless and will end in nothing but frustration. Usually when I promise myself that I am going to stop doing something, I repeatedly beat myself up - over and over and over again. As I can clearly see, though, this strategy has clearly not been helping. And thus, from this day forward I will stop focusing on my flaws and silly addictions and simply be content with the life around me.

*Sigh* Another promise... Yes, I know. The point is though, that we all have our faults, we all succumb to the ideals that we think society creates, and we all have addictions. If you think I am wrong, please feel free to tell me. I most certainly do not object to looking at things from a new perspective. But I feel that if we all truly examine ourselves, our behaviors, our patterns - we will see something in us that doesn't change. For most of us, these are things we wish would go away. Unfortunatelyyyyyyyy - they won't.

But, unless I miss my guess, that is the point. We are all created with something that is a blessing in disguise. It is our choice to view it as a gift or curse and to use it to our advantage or our misery. Christ knows we are flawed and we always will be. But embracing who we are, success and failure, beauty and flaw - and being content knowing we are who we are for a reason - that is what makes us God's children.

Tonight, I am afraid that I don't have a playlist for you. I want you to find your own music, your own dreams, and your own realities. Don't let music be a cover tonight - let it be a window and let yourself look outside.

What It Means to Give Up, Not Give In

She sits in the window

Picturesque,

Sipping her tea,

Staring out

At the partners, managers, and C.E.O.s

Hustling past.

(For is there any other way
To describe the motion
Of people who no longer see life as a gift?
That is why it's called The Present)

Yesterday was termination,

Today is spent in isolation,

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow,

Is determination.

She sells her soul

Each night

To ABC, CBS, and USA.

But as she sits in said cafe,

Sipping life and tears away,

She realizes what it means to give in -

To society, mainstream media, and the covers of magazines.

On the corner of 1st and Carlton Street,

She passes grace

Hidden by graffiti of tortured teens.

She takes three more steps

And turns around

To hear the sound of angels' cry,

A cry for Christ to come and die.

The planner reads 'Wednesday'

As she retracts her steps,

Peers in the window of an old warehouse,

Only to see another chance at life.

Click

Click Click
(Hi...
I'm...)

"Lonely?"
"Broken?"
"Broke?"
"Afraid?"

She nods four times
And takes her seat.

The gold embossed words
Strike her

From the cover of a worn, leather book.

She stares into their eyes,

Their past's.

And finally, she is ready to give up -

And never again give in.

-Picturesque

The inspiration for this came to me today when I found myself ready to give in to life's troubles. And right when I wanted to cry and scream and yell at the world, I looked up at the sky. There, right above the road in front of me was this gorceous cloud. A whispy one, not the kind that make the best picture. But it was in the shape of a horse running, across the plains. But what took my breath away was the rainbow on it's mane. And when I checked the sky, I couldn't find a rainbow in any other place. Such perfect things aren't meant to be captured on camera. There is freedom in giving up - whether it is to nature, to God, to your dreams. Just remember, the only feeling you ever get from giving in is regret and resentment. "I started with the firm conviction that when I came to the end, I wanted to be regretting the things I had done, not the things I hadn't." - Michael Caine

Photo Album:

Playlist: Gotta be Somebody - Nickelback, 1985 - Bowling for Soup, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, If You Could Only See - Tonic, To Know Your Name - Hillsong United, Lead Me to The Cross - Hillsong United, The RiddleI - Five for Fighting, Moments - Emerson Drive