Everything lately has been floating right past me. I am standing still and the world is rushing around me like that scene in the movies - using high tech imaging equipment, color panels, and green screens. I feel like I have hit a mid-life crisis but if I die at age 34 - a) it's an even number so blech b) I probably will never get the courage to say what I really want to say just about everybody and c) I don't know that I could make an impact that fast - but who knows?
I have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out who I really am and I think it all goes back to the fact that I spend way too much time beating myself for what I'm not and not enough time for loving myself for what I am. I have finally decided that, could you equate who I believe myself to be rightnow to a character - any character at all, at the present I would call myself James Gatz. You know - minus the fact that I am real, not a guy, not in love with one person forever, and don't live in a big ass mansion. Perhaps you are more familiar with the alias Jay Gatsby? I am however, amd perhaps, most importantly an idealist. I want everything to be picture perfect and I know how everything should work. A little bit of my heart breaks everytime the story doesn't turn out the way I have been told it should.
So as of today, I am writing the book. I have made this resolution before as you may very well know, but this time I don't feel dependent on anyone but myself to be happy. It's all up to me and I will only be down if I let people get to me. For now I am happy being single, learning more about myself, and trying to better myself to the best of my abilities.
The other major thing happening right now is that The Gang is practically falling apart. It's being torn by cliques, drama, changes (good and bad), dependencies, and restlessness. I find myself praying sometimes that our group doesn't fall apart - but what if it's for the better? It's a thought that's scarier than Hell...but seriously. Are friendships where neither friend is happy with the way things are really a decent friendship??? I think it's all in God's hands, I really think it is. Change is always hard and almost never fun but I guess but the resistors to change are often the bad guys in history, are they not?
Here are some songs to check out that kinda summarize my life in the past two weeks:
It's Easy - Heather Headly, from Aida
I Know the Truth - Sherie Rene Scott, from Aida
A-Hole - Bowling For Soup
Take Me or Leave Me - from Rent
The Book I Write - Spoon
Holding Out for a Hero - Bonnie Tyler
You'll Think of Me - Keith Urban
You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrisette
Undignified - David Crowder Band
3.27.2008
3.17.2008
The Day My Heart Broke - Again
I am hurt -and somewhat shocked. No I retract that statement. I am not shocked at all. I have never been the best judge of character and I give away my heart way too easily. AM I the only one in this world who was taught to love whole heartedly? Am I the only one, who albeit fights her trust issues every day, gives away her heart way too early? Do I want to get hurt???
I apologize for this rant. I want to apologize for being in love... but I cannot. I was in love with someone who wasn't there. Or maybe someone who was there and didn't want my help.
Today's lesson: Life throws curveballs and lots of them. But that's no reason to quit the game. Although, right now, there is nothing in the world that I would rather do than quit - or curl up and cry - or get mad at myself (but that never turns out very well). Chin up, right? Keep on walking - with a big, fake, plastic smile on my face. Hold it together for the people around me.
Should I even try anymore? Is there any guy out there at all who will accept me for who I am and quit walking all over me or lying to me??? It's always one or the other. I have always believed that there is that one someone out there for - but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I was meant to be an old spinster who lives in a croooked house away from all of society and raises cats and whose highlight of the year is handing out candy to all the little kids - little kids that I never had.
Right now I am hadning over the wheel - again. Only God knows how to drive me out of this mess and make me whole again. He's the only one I can trust anymore to take care of me.
If there is anyone out there in the world right now, reading this, who loves someone with their whole heart- don't be shy about it. Scream it from the mountain tops or from the depths of the sea because someday you will find The One and you can't go running scared because once upon a time someone hurt you. Once upon a time you realized you had the power to break someone and did. Open up your hearts for goodness' sake and let someone in. All you are doing is hurting yourself. I pray for everyone out there who has ever been looked down upon for speaking their mind and for those who are to afraid of rejection if they speak theirs. But mostly, my prayers go out to all the people in the world who are afraid to risk their own happiness because they are afraid of love. If you haven't read it before I suggest checking out I Corinthians 13:4-8. This is what love is and accept nothing less nito your life.
To quote Mr.Ray: "Pain heals, glory lasts forever." Think about it. You will forget the pain eventually, but the good times - may you never forget the good times.
I apologize for this rant. I want to apologize for being in love... but I cannot. I was in love with someone who wasn't there. Or maybe someone who was there and didn't want my help.
Today's lesson: Life throws curveballs and lots of them. But that's no reason to quit the game. Although, right now, there is nothing in the world that I would rather do than quit - or curl up and cry - or get mad at myself (but that never turns out very well). Chin up, right? Keep on walking - with a big, fake, plastic smile on my face. Hold it together for the people around me.
Should I even try anymore? Is there any guy out there at all who will accept me for who I am and quit walking all over me or lying to me??? It's always one or the other. I have always believed that there is that one someone out there for - but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I was meant to be an old spinster who lives in a croooked house away from all of society and raises cats and whose highlight of the year is handing out candy to all the little kids - little kids that I never had.
Right now I am hadning over the wheel - again. Only God knows how to drive me out of this mess and make me whole again. He's the only one I can trust anymore to take care of me.
If there is anyone out there in the world right now, reading this, who loves someone with their whole heart- don't be shy about it. Scream it from the mountain tops or from the depths of the sea because someday you will find The One and you can't go running scared because once upon a time someone hurt you. Once upon a time you realized you had the power to break someone and did. Open up your hearts for goodness' sake and let someone in. All you are doing is hurting yourself. I pray for everyone out there who has ever been looked down upon for speaking their mind and for those who are to afraid of rejection if they speak theirs. But mostly, my prayers go out to all the people in the world who are afraid to risk their own happiness because they are afraid of love. If you haven't read it before I suggest checking out I Corinthians 13:4-8. This is what love is and accept nothing less nito your life.
To quote Mr.Ray: "Pain heals, glory lasts forever." Think about it. You will forget the pain eventually, but the good times - may you never forget the good times.
3.05.2008
All In Arms Reach
When all is said and done,
Will you see that I loved you?
I entreat you -
Take my heart,
Hold it and protect it the rest of your days.
When I try to walk,
Hold it closer to you,
When I yank, yank back,
Let me know that I am yours.
Your hand touches mine and I soar,
Through the clouds,
Which must be what makes love blind.
I reach for your heart,
To show you the joy and contentment I have known,
Soul cleansing and mind boggling -
I see you reject it first,
My heart breaks...
Again, I entreat-
(Listen, understand - at least try...
He saved my life,
Don't make Him save yours for you to believe)
One day this love will have shown itself,
You will see that pressure was not my intention,
Nor fear and arrogance my motivation,
Twas out of my love for you and Him -
You have a choice,
You always will.
Yea or nay,
Cannot shake my love,
Or remove my heart from in your reach;
Should you push me away,
Hope will linger in my heart that one day you will reach out again,
God could not have cut more perfect form,
Than you and I.
Playlist: Over You - Daughtry, Photograph - Nickelback, Hotel California - The Eagles, How You Remind Me - Nickelback, Lips of an Angel - Hinder
Will you see that I loved you?
I entreat you -
Take my heart,
Hold it and protect it the rest of your days.
When I try to walk,
Hold it closer to you,
When I yank, yank back,
Let me know that I am yours.
Your hand touches mine and I soar,
Through the clouds,
Which must be what makes love blind.
I reach for your heart,
To show you the joy and contentment I have known,
Soul cleansing and mind boggling -
I see you reject it first,
My heart breaks...
Again, I entreat-
(Listen, understand - at least try...
He saved my life,
Don't make Him save yours for you to believe)
One day this love will have shown itself,
You will see that pressure was not my intention,
Nor fear and arrogance my motivation,
Twas out of my love for you and Him -
You have a choice,
You always will.
Yea or nay,
Cannot shake my love,
Or remove my heart from in your reach;
Should you push me away,
Hope will linger in my heart that one day you will reach out again,
God could not have cut more perfect form,
Than you and I.
Playlist: Over You - Daughtry, Photograph - Nickelback, Hotel California - The Eagles, How You Remind Me - Nickelback, Lips of an Angel - Hinder
3.03.2008
No Day But Today
I have been thinking a great deal of late about judgement. Why do we judge others? I wonder if it is not simply a defense mechanism, but rather security. If we can see flaws in others, surely we will never flaw in ourselves, right?
Wrong. I feel sometimes almost as if I have been trapped in a bubble where everyone was raised to see others flaws but blind to our own. I hate hypocracy and this whole thing has been driving me up a wall. It is actually quite tragic that the human psyche is able to ignore it's own flaws and weaknesses. Who more should we be criticizing than ourselves? At the same time, the past is the past. Once it is over, it's not really worth worrying about anymore or beating ones self up about. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be a less complex organism... if I were and amoeba, I would never have to worry about any of these things.
*Sigh* Ah, me. Well, on to brighter and better things =) The HP lock-in was quite brilliant... even if we didn't get to bed until 2 and had to get up at 5. And the moshpitting/kareoke-ing at CFL was quite the excitement. Although, by far, the best part of this weekend - hand's down - was getting to see Michael. He is just about the most stunning person I have ever met. Why God blessed me with someone as amazing as he is, I may never know or understand. He can ALWAYS make me smile, he is intelligent, dedicated, hilarious, loyal, patient, and loving. I wish I had better words quite honestly - indescribable may be the best word. When I am with him I cannot help but think that this must be how God wanted all life to be from the very beginning. For all of you whom choose not love, or pass up the opportunity due to arrogance, I pity you. I think, perhaps, a life without experiencing love may be a creuler fate than death.
Lyrics to I'll Be - Edwin McCain
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
And I've dropped out,
I've burned up,
I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
Answer 1: Seize the Day
Answer 2: Marion Cotillard for her role in La Vie En Rose
Trivia 1: What Broadway musical includes the motif that is used in the title?
Playlist: When You Say Nothing at All - Alison Krauss, Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross, Wannabe - Spice Girls, Story of a Girl - 3 Doors Down, Kiss From a Rose - Seal
Wrong. I feel sometimes almost as if I have been trapped in a bubble where everyone was raised to see others flaws but blind to our own. I hate hypocracy and this whole thing has been driving me up a wall. It is actually quite tragic that the human psyche is able to ignore it's own flaws and weaknesses. Who more should we be criticizing than ourselves? At the same time, the past is the past. Once it is over, it's not really worth worrying about anymore or beating ones self up about. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be easier to be a less complex organism... if I were and amoeba, I would never have to worry about any of these things.
*Sigh* Ah, me. Well, on to brighter and better things =) The HP lock-in was quite brilliant... even if we didn't get to bed until 2 and had to get up at 5. And the moshpitting/kareoke-ing at CFL was quite the excitement. Although, by far, the best part of this weekend - hand's down - was getting to see Michael. He is just about the most stunning person I have ever met. Why God blessed me with someone as amazing as he is, I may never know or understand. He can ALWAYS make me smile, he is intelligent, dedicated, hilarious, loyal, patient, and loving. I wish I had better words quite honestly - indescribable may be the best word. When I am with him I cannot help but think that this must be how God wanted all life to be from the very beginning. For all of you whom choose not love, or pass up the opportunity due to arrogance, I pity you. I think, perhaps, a life without experiencing love may be a creuler fate than death.
Lyrics to I'll Be - Edwin McCain
The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath.
And emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth.
Tell me that we belong together,
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above.
[Chorus:]I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed.
You're my survival, you're my living proof.
My love is alive -- not dead.
Tell me that we belong together.
Dress it up with the trappings of love.
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips,
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
[Chorus]
And I've dropped out,
I've burned up,
I've fought my way back from the dead.
I've tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
[Chorus:]
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your...
I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life.
The greatest fan of your life....greatest fan of your life.
Answer 1: Seize the Day
Answer 2: Marion Cotillard for her role in La Vie En Rose
Trivia 1: What Broadway musical includes the motif that is used in the title?
Playlist: When You Say Nothing at All - Alison Krauss, Ain't No Mountain High Enough - Marvin Gaye and Diana Ross, Wannabe - Spice Girls, Story of a Girl - 3 Doors Down, Kiss From a Rose - Seal
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