Carpe Diem

Mayhaps I over think things. Mayhaps I don't like letting go. Mayhaps all this is because, not at all that I have been honestly hurt - but because I want to write my life. I want to be a character so that I know how to act. Unlike a play however, I cannot read the ending - I shall never know whether I live happily ever after, die in a tragedy, or be one of the lifeless narrators who fades silently into the background. I have often told Neville that we are meant not to know because it makes life exciting. And just suddenly, I have come to realize how big of a hypocrite I really am... and for the first time, I don't want to beat myself up for not being perfect.

I am who I am. And that's okay. It's okay that even though I think I could have the talent, I'm not tall enough to be a supermodel. It's perfectly fine to be 5'2" and not be 30-24-26. I have curves and I embrace them. I don't have flawless skin but it's the mask I wear and a metaphor for who I am. I have a spotted past but I carry myself with elegance - or I am going to. I love the media, Hollywood, and Broadway but from here on out I will not let them dictate how I feel or should feel about who I am. I am a drama queen, but at least I keep things from being boring. I am sensitive, but it's better than not feeling at all. I afraid to be hurt, but that makes those who have all the power in the world to break me and choose not to all the more precious to me. Maybe, I am, in fact, not a bad person at all.

I want to stop bad mouthing myself - so for any of you who hear me do it - please do me the favor of smacking me. If I ask why, please don't tell me. I need to learn for myself. I am my own person. I don't need anyone to cling to, to constantly assure that I am better than I make myself out to be (now this is not to say I won't still need hugs every once in a while). I am resolved to make myself a better person than the one I have been. And the fact that I have not been a great person or friend or girlfriend - that's okay now because I realize that I need to change.

I owe credit for this change and epiphany to several people/things: Amy Campbell (my sister and best friend, who has never doubted me for a second, has helped me trhough the worst times of my life), Neville (my best friend and frequent heart-to-heart buddy), Michael (my boyfriend who has desparately tried to show me that he cares and that life can be better if I choose it to be - I think I get it now) and to In Another Country - by Ernest Hemingway. If you have not read it I highly recommend it - it is a brief story but very concise. Thank you to everybody for helping me to come to my senses and pushing me to the point of prayer - where I should have been all along. This revelation has only strengthened my faith.. Hopefully, one day I will be given the opportunity to spread this faith and grace to those whom have never known it.

I am itching to write again - hopefullly, I will be able to think of something soon. When I do, I will be sure to post it. I also apologize for the lack of postings this past week. Chaos broke loose but I do believe things will be better from here on out.

Answer 1: Alanis Morissette
Answer 2: Fidel Castro



Trivia 1: What does the title of this entry mean?
Trivia 2: Which actress won Best Actress in a Leading Role at the 80th Academy Awards last night?

Playlist: Writer's Block - Brian Reitzell and Britt Daniel, Falling Slowly - from Once (sung by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova), Calling You - Blue October, My Savior, My God - Aaron Shust, HungryI - Vicki Beeching