Rediscovery

Today was a day of rediscovery.

I rediscovered the poem that I published on this blog once called All in Arms Reach.

And rediscovering that helped me rediscover the fact that I must have felt this way once before. Although, to tell you the truth, I am still not sure I believe it. 

Readers, (joke, I know there are none), I have been gone from this blog for over a year. Actually, almost one year and one half exactly. In that time, I came out of a ridiculous amount of depression and let our Creator take over my life again. I joined a prayer ministry and kept juggling all of the hats that were already in my hand. And then, on top of it all, He called me to be in a relationship with a man that I had barely knew. So, scared, I trusted Him, and I fell hard. 

And somewhere along the way, Readers, I started taking things for granted. I starting returning to the old me. The old me that loved to view everything as flawed or everything as perfect and me as flawed. In short, I started going through the motions of the relationships I had been in before because I didn't trust this one to be any different. And that was the most foolish thing I could have ever done. It was worse than peeing my pants trying to get to the bus in kindergarten and telling my friend who found me in the hall that it was really runny puke. It was more foolish than me thinking that as a 12 year old, I could successfully run away to California. It was more foolish than me sitting on the arm of a couch for over an hour in the middle of the night playing Red Light, Green Light with a spider that I was trying to trap. It was more foolish than me trying to make everyone my friend in high school by trying to hurt everyone. And those are some very foolish things.

It is much too long and personal a story to share online, Readers. I will spare you that. But I will say that I have spent the last ten months of my life learning how to love. But really - how to really love until the person that you love becomes a part of your view of family. I suppose I have felt this way with friends before. But there is something incredibly beautiful about learning the heart of someone so truly that you can't help but feel that you have always known them. Always known them. Like before-the-creation-of-time "always." And I think, Readers, no - I know that I did some stuff to screw it up. I lost God and myself and him. I just didn't realize it until now. It is really quite an interesting feeling when you finally discover that the relationship that you have been trying to run from is really the one that you would love to spend the rest of your life building.

And the funny part is, I have spent the last ten months of my life trying to avoid talking like that. Because the future is scary. Like really, genuinely, heart-stoppingly scary. 

The even funnier part is that I let myself be scared when the God of the universe was really at my side the entire time. So while the past month or so has been one of the hardest of my life - it also hasn't been. As hackneyed as it may sound, God has truly been using me in the past month - to help me and to help others - maybe even to help him. I suppose that is something I might never know.

I laugh because we agreed to stay friends when what we really needed to do was agree to help each other, whatever that may mean. And honestly, Readers, I really feel inadequate to do that. I feel so inadequate because I need so much help to. How do I do this? How do I manage the close of the relationship that I never wanted to end (but knew that it had to, at least temporarily) and not come undone when every small thing anywhere reminds me of him?

I am not sure. If you have an answer, please, let me know. For right now, one step at a time.

Also, today I rediscovered that I love blogging. I love writing down what is in my heart and my head and my soul so that I can go back later and marvel at the things that God has taught me... because, believe me, I forget.

So, stay tuned, Readers. I am sure that I will check in soon.