Addictions

The roads are busy enough to provide distraction, snowy enough to prove dangerous, and just dark enough that I can hide behind the wheel and avoid the stares of other drivers. You see, driving the highways and the backroads, alone, with the music up, that's where I can think. Sitting right there, weaving through traffic, rounding the curves of Kentucky roads - that's where I talk to God and often where God talks to me.

On Sunday, a sort of epiphany came to me on the way home after church. I am sure I was beating myself over something foolish when I promised myself that it was going to change - it was. Just then, God waved His hand in front of my face. It hit me how many times I have made this promise in the past few years.

Making promises is an addiction for me - and an awful one at that. Many times I promise things, lightheartedly, and never follow through. I know this is a bad thing but I can't seem to stop because the other addiction of mine which runs hand-in-hand is my addiction to try to please everyone. Both are very annoying, very irrational, and very impossible addictions to deal with.

I have, for now however, decided that trying to fix these silly addictions is pointless and will end in nothing but frustration. Usually when I promise myself that I am going to stop doing something, I repeatedly beat myself up - over and over and over again. As I can clearly see, though, this strategy has clearly not been helping. And thus, from this day forward I will stop focusing on my flaws and silly addictions and simply be content with the life around me.

*Sigh* Another promise... Yes, I know. The point is though, that we all have our faults, we all succumb to the ideals that we think society creates, and we all have addictions. If you think I am wrong, please feel free to tell me. I most certainly do not object to looking at things from a new perspective. But I feel that if we all truly examine ourselves, our behaviors, our patterns - we will see something in us that doesn't change. For most of us, these are things we wish would go away. Unfortunatelyyyyyyyy - they won't.

But, unless I miss my guess, that is the point. We are all created with something that is a blessing in disguise. It is our choice to view it as a gift or curse and to use it to our advantage or our misery. Christ knows we are flawed and we always will be. But embracing who we are, success and failure, beauty and flaw - and being content knowing we are who we are for a reason - that is what makes us God's children.

Tonight, I am afraid that I don't have a playlist for you. I want you to find your own music, your own dreams, and your own realities. Don't let music be a cover tonight - let it be a window and let yourself look outside.

What It Means to Give Up, Not Give In

She sits in the window

Picturesque,

Sipping her tea,

Staring out

At the partners, managers, and C.E.O.s

Hustling past.

(For is there any other way
To describe the motion
Of people who no longer see life as a gift?
That is why it's called The Present)

Yesterday was termination,

Today is spent in isolation,

And tomorrow?

Tomorrow,

Is determination.

She sells her soul

Each night

To ABC, CBS, and USA.

But as she sits in said cafe,

Sipping life and tears away,

She realizes what it means to give in -

To society, mainstream media, and the covers of magazines.

On the corner of 1st and Carlton Street,

She passes grace

Hidden by graffiti of tortured teens.

She takes three more steps

And turns around

To hear the sound of angels' cry,

A cry for Christ to come and die.

The planner reads 'Wednesday'

As she retracts her steps,

Peers in the window of an old warehouse,

Only to see another chance at life.

Click

Click Click
(Hi...
I'm...)

"Lonely?"
"Broken?"
"Broke?"
"Afraid?"

She nods four times
And takes her seat.

The gold embossed words
Strike her

From the cover of a worn, leather book.

She stares into their eyes,

Their past's.

And finally, she is ready to give up -

And never again give in.

-Picturesque

The inspiration for this came to me today when I found myself ready to give in to life's troubles. And right when I wanted to cry and scream and yell at the world, I looked up at the sky. There, right above the road in front of me was this gorceous cloud. A whispy one, not the kind that make the best picture. But it was in the shape of a horse running, across the plains. But what took my breath away was the rainbow on it's mane. And when I checked the sky, I couldn't find a rainbow in any other place. Such perfect things aren't meant to be captured on camera. There is freedom in giving up - whether it is to nature, to God, to your dreams. Just remember, the only feeling you ever get from giving in is regret and resentment. "I started with the firm conviction that when I came to the end, I wanted to be regretting the things I had done, not the things I hadn't." - Michael Caine

Photo Album:

Playlist: Gotta be Somebody - Nickelback, 1985 - Bowling for Soup, No Reins - Rascal Flatts, If You Could Only See - Tonic, To Know Your Name - Hillsong United, Lead Me to The Cross - Hillsong United, The RiddleI - Five for Fighting, Moments - Emerson Drive