I don't recognize much. Winn-Dixie and the fascinating lobster tank are gone. The horse pastures are covered with million dollar homes, new schools, and chain food restaurants. My pre-school is gone, donated to the fire department to be used as rescue practice. The pond we went to for in-school field trips has been filled in. Simon's Apothecary is hanging on by a thread. And I am starting to realize that I am very NOT okay with these changes.
In fact, these changes are the most awful form of torture ever invented. And it sucks. Because it shows me that our society isn't dedicated to the long-term anymore. We are solely dedicated to what works now - this instant - even when we know that it will quit working with another blink of an eye.
And it breaks my heart because I feel myself giving in to this culture. I feel myself becoming someone who takes the easy road - whether that is faking a smile or whining constantly or running away - I feel that urge to give in.
This is an issue.
Christ does not call us to take the easy road or the road of comfort. If we live life in comfort, how do we ever find the afflicted? How do we help the people in this world that need to be reached the most? I am a firm believer that, not for everyone, but, personally, Christ has called me to become uncomfortable in my faith and in my life.
But to be completely honest, I have no freaking clue where to start. And I don't feel worthy. The past few days I have learned that I have a naturally jealous personality and, as you can probably imagine, it is not a very reassuring thing to learn about one's self. But I have no idea where to start to fix the problem. My natural reaction is to want to talk but that is wanting to be at the center and I know that I can't continue to feed that need. But then where do I draw help? Or, don't I draw help?
Until I have an answer, I will continue to try to solve this alone... and yet, I know that to live God's love is not to isolate myself. How do we seek love and support in isolation?
I am sorry for the melancholy entry - but nothing in this world makes sense to me right now and this is the only way I know to deal with it.
Living all alone
In this space between the rocks
Far from the city,
Here, where no noe can see me,
I shall give myself to grief.
~Saigyo
